Graduating

And now, the end is here
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I'll say it clear I'll state my case, of which I'm certain
I've lived a life that's full
I traveled each and ev'ry highway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way

Crazy!! I remember starting this blog in student accommodation, at a loss with life and bored out of my skull. So many feelings of love, family, loneliness flying around. Sick of crying I wanted to put pen to paper, but I'm way too lazy for that - blogging was the next best thing.

University was a big thing for me, it changed who I am massively, for that I thank my friends. I'm not that shy girl in the corner now. I found myself. Well by found I mean 'no I'm not shy anymore but now I have no life plan like I did before'. Pretty secure if you ask me.

Blogging stopped because that day that I started I wanted it to be about me, and although it was, it just got way too personal. I realise it was my choice to put it out there to the world, I don't regret that, what I regret is thinking about how I felt while blogging at the time. So much mixed emotions and feelings that I thought were real - which I now know weren't. Everything about my mum, still true, everything else.... it's in the balance.

SO in the last year or so what's been going on? I obviously love to blog on a positive note *cue sarcasm* last year (a year to the day yesterday) my Grandad passed away & although it was a sad time, it really began to release my mum and give her a little more time for herself; although, she doesn't make that time now, surrounding herself with the kids and their needs and wants, helping me when I need it, helping anyone when they need it really. I love my Mum, she is a star.

I've got through University.... I cannot believe it. I'm beyond ecstatic - I remember after dropping out in 08 and having to leave in 09 I thought I'd never get there. It feels amazing to have achieved something - something so great. I remember writing one of the first blogs about why I'm here at Uni and even then I thought - will I ever do this? But yes I will and yes I have. 

I'm happy with life all and all, things have changed since my last blog, I started work, I got my priorities straight, I sorted out my head, my feelings towards certain people, I'm still happy with my own company - I'm just.... smiley :)

For getting me through everything in the last three years.... I thank the special people. For the new people that have entered my life - I love you.


When everything is wrong I'll come talk to you
You make things alright when I'm feeling blue

You are such a blessing and I wont be messing
with the one thing that brings light to all my darkness

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do

Never Been So Happy, Well, I Don't Think I Have....

All these seem to start with this line..... it's been a while. Maybe I should start getting things done and begin blogging again regularly. My last blog was very downhearted and I'm happy to report.... I'm past that now :).

Soooooo..... what's been going on, here goes.....

My last blog was very brief as in what was going on, and for my own sanity it had to be. During that month I had made one of the hardest decisions of life, that decision was to end a pregnancy, one of which my other half wanted to continue with. With University, my children that are born and everything else in my life I just didn't feel like I could do it.... I know I made the right decision for me. Not many people knew and a few that did weren't happy with my decision. However now that me and my partner have separated I know in my heart I made the best choice for my life. To the people that supported me - thank you - it meant alot.

I know, I know you're gone, I know I'll see you again
One thing that I can promise, that we gon' meet up again
Hopefully up in heaven, prayin' that I'm forgiven
For everything that I've done,
and everything I forgot to mention


Now then, for once in my life (maybe twice) I'm utterly happy with life, University is going well; well as well as possible, failing exams, passing the modules.... swings and roundabouts, I'm alone and loving the fact there's no-one to answer to, no-one to have a go at me, no-one to have to worry about. I'm finally doing me (in a non-sexual thinking of myself way.... dirty minds)! Bliss!!!!! I miss the babies still but I'm keeping focused and knowing that this is for our future keeps me positive.


Not having any man in my life has given me so much time on my hands and it's been filled with job applications, essays & my lovely friends. I love them <3 Today I got a placement in a school as a Teaching Assistant and I'm ecstatic about it..... scared as hell though!! I'm worrying about what to wear, down to whether I'm able to have painted nails :/ this is all a new world for me, and I feel like I'm stepping off the end of a cliff into an abyss. Some bugger better be at the bottom to catch me.

As it's lent (Easter yayyyyyyyy) I've decided to follow religion and give something up - opting for sex. I'm cheating really because I've not really been near anyone since my ex so it seems easy to me.... all I need now is for a guy to come along and mess it up... I'm on day 2 or 3 (no idea which) only 27 more to go!!! Yes I will do this :).


Some people have however been invading my brain and although I vow to stay a 'man free zone' there are a few people that genuinely make me smile at the moment.... it's nice to have that attention I guess even if there's never any intention from them. Everybody likes having that person to talk to about nothing.


I've fallen for your eyes
But they don't know me yet

My eyes are a river filler,
This drink is a liver killer,
Your chest is a pillow for my weary head to lay to rest again,
Your body is my ballpoint pen
And your mind is my new best friend,
Your eyes are the mirror to take me to the edge again

All in all life is on the up, I'm happy, I have my beautiful friends, my amazing children...... and who knows what else is coming my way.
I'm blessed.

People Come & Go.....

Its been a while, just lately that's how all my blogs have started but I just give up with the blogging. It didn't help that it was my place to vent and it became about my relationship and then when things got bad I didn't want to blog because I knew he read it. I feel the need to blog today though because I'm suddenly lost in life.

It's been a tough few months and the people that I needed to be there in my life to tell me things would be okay were pretty much non existent. I complained in a summertime blog about how little I seen the people I considered my 2 best friends throughout the year and I'm sad to say that hasn't changed at all. Inside I feel selfish because they have full time jobs and partner to see but I just feel like they aren't my best friends any more. I've really REALLY needed them the last 2/3 months and I've seen them possibly once...

I guess nothing lasts forever and I'm naive to think a close friendship would but I finally thought I'd found two people who would be there for me as much as I would be there for them. They know I'd drop anything and everything if I needed them and in the past I have done but I don't feel like they would do the same for me. I don't mean with work commitments because I would never ask them to do that but I mean make that one minute for me. Everytime I text them 'come out this weekend' I generally get 'can't this weekend, next weekend' and then something comes up so they can't make that either. I know as people grow up they see eachother less but there's seeing eachother less and then there's not at all and this is not at all. Can't even remember the last time I seen them all together and it used to be at least once a week that we'd do something together as friends.

I don't even think they know anything about me any more, it's like they have proper lives now they don't need mates but I do, my friends are always gonna be important to me. 

I guess I'm asking too much to see them, for them to be there right now, for them to let me be there for them how it used to be. I guess best friends don't exist as you get older, just friends in passing.

So I don't wanna tell you anything
I can't even think about
How you feel inside
But we are best friends, right? 

With all this on my mind I've been very tempted to leave University for some time to go to where my Mum is with my children. I feel that there is absolutely nothing left for me in Manchester and I'd be happier if I moved away. It used to be Uni and my friends that kept me here but now that the friends who seem to care the most aren't even in Manchester I think why am I here? If I moved it wouldn't make a difference to my life except for leaving Uni. My kids would have me back full time and maybe I'd be happier with them because here in my hometown I feel lost, like I don't belong anymore. Its not home.

I've lost myself in my life, I don't know why I'm where I am anymore or why I chose to stay here.

Too Much Thought.....

I paid all my dues
And she wanted to know
That I’d never leave her
Now I’m ready to go
And strange as it seems
She’s endless to me
She’s just like paperwork
But harder to read

Patience, my enemy
And loving’s my friend
It’s harder to leave
With my heart on my sleeve
Than to stay and just pretend
Oh, she knows me so well
Oh, she knows me like I know myself

Its funny when you're in a relationship and you think too far into the future and then worry about it. I love my boyfriend very much but I always panic that something, somewhere, somehow it will go wrong. I often think that if.... just if he decided to up and leave one day what would I be like? I've let some people go without a fight, even if they were worth one and I've fought to hell for some people who weren't worth a nano second of my time. I don't know what I'd do if he walked away, I guess if he walked and I deserved it then I'd let him go, if he wasn't happy I'd also let him go just so he could find someone who could put that cheeky smile back on his face, but how I'd react..... that's beyond me. See I don't even know why I'm thinking like this.... maybe sometimes we are too good to be true because deep down I only enjoy our relationship when we're together, when we're apart I'm just panicking. He's the most difficult person in the world to read!! Maybe I should just stay quiet and put up with my worry..... maybe I should enjoy him till he fucks off!!

I really miss my friends lately so I've been making an effort to see more of them. I went to meet up with my best mate Chris today seen as I've hardly seen him since he moved to Uni 3 years ago so now he's back I'm making more of an effort to see him. Totally acted like big kids and went to see Lion King 3D, threw popcorn at each other and heckled Scar for killing Mufasa.... how dare he!!! Also get to see my Lois & Ade tomorrow night which I'm really excited for :) and thennnnn a week Saturday it's my house-warming so I get to see Alison!!! So glad I'm seeing my three besties over the next few weeks, they make me smile.

On other notes going home to see the babies soon hopefully. I spoke to my son today and he asked me what he always does when he gets on the phone (which isn't that often) 'You coming my house to see me soon Mum?' 

I love my babies so so so much!!!!

When you was just a young’un you’re looks but so precious
But now your grown up
So fly its like a blessing but you can’t have a man look at you for 5 seconds
Without you being insecure
You never credit yourself so when you got older
It’s seems like you came back 10 times over
Now you’re sitting here in this damn corner
Looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulder

See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love

See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love

New Beginnings.....

Yeah I'm shit at blogging!!! Nothing more to say on that as you all know the rules of this blog. Sooooooooo moving swiftly on...

Its been a busy old month, moving house, kids back at school, me back at Uni!! Yay. So I finally found the perfect house near Uni and have moved in with two lovely girls. There was the slight worry that we'd all met online in order to get accommodation and we wouldn't get on but so far so good and to be honest I can't see us not getting on - ever :) they are totally lovely people, so genuine.... and you don't get that with girls or at least I've rarely come across it so I've definitely struck lucky. So I'm settled in our lovely, big, cosy house :) and I'm loving it.

The kids are back at school now obviously and misbehaving as usual!! I get time off soon so I'll go see them. I miss them loads already and just have to keep telling myself I'm doing this for them to have a decent life!!! It will be worth it. Looking forward to getting back home and getting on my beautiful Winchester piano, gotta learn Konstantine.... I've fallen in love with the song all over again.... don't think I ever stopped loving the song tbh.

Me and the fella have been together a grand total of 2 months today... yeah awwwhhhh!!! Its going amazing, it's like we just go together, even family have commented on how well we get on. He is so good to me I cannot complain and I'm so so happy that his life is back on track in respect of him seeing his baby boy. It means alot to me that he is happy.  If he's happy then I am!!

I'm back at Uni now and even though my timetable is so poor I'm happy to be back in the little time that I am. Its nice to have a structure and purpose in my life plus seeing my friends again is amazingggg seen as I've hardly seen anyone over the holidays. I'm still missing my besties though as I've not seen them for two months :( but hopefully that'll soon change...

Anywayyyy I'm gonna go watch Lion King tomorrow YAY them little kids better move outta the way, I'm first in line.

I can't imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don't understand
All the things you've seen
But I'm slipping in between
You and your big... dreams
It's always you and my big dreams

And you tell me
That it's over
But I can't stand here in a patch of four leaf clover
And your restless
And I'm naked
You've got to get out
You can't stand to see me shaking
No, could you let me go
I didn't think so

And you don't want to be here in the future
So you say
The present's just a pleasant
Interruption to the past
And you don't want to look much closer
'Cause you're afraid to find out all the hope
That you had sent into the sky by now had... crashed
And it did because of me

This is because I can spell confusion with a K
and I like it
It's to dying in another's arms
And why I had to try it
It's to jimmy eat world
And those nights in my car
But this time I'm alone, and I don't see those stars
I'm not your star?
Isn't that what you said
What you thought this song meant
You thought this song meant

And if this is what it takes
Just to lie in my mistakes
And live with what I did to you
And all the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock it's 11:11
And now you want to talk
It's not hard to dream
You'll always be my Konstantine

Its Been A While...

Wow it's been ages since I last blogged and I must say quite a bit has happened. I skipped loads of stuff in my last blog because I was writing purely for the principle that I hadn't written in ages. I'd like to think I'm back into blogging now but I'm so scatty lately that I wouldn't rely on it. So last time I blogged me and my fella were a month into our relationship, it's nice to say we're still going strong. He gets more amazing by the day, don't get me wrong he has his off days but the days where he's really nice to me make up for the moody days and just lately theres so much more niceness than there is moodiness :). He's away on a lads weekend at the moment in Bratislava and its safe to say I'm a little lost without him, I normally see him every day... almost. Times apart give me time to re-evaluate our relationship and also my true feelings for it and where it's heading as well as where I would like it to go, he'll be like what the flip at this... don't worry Mr you're doing well.... so far. As I'm living with my auntie at the moment (long story) I do have the boredom edge slightly taken off which is nice, we spend alot of time spending money we don't have and discussing anything and everything -  including me and the other half. My Auntie reckons that this is the first time I've been with someone decent who hasn't treated me like shit and used me like a door mat in her opinion we are perfectly suited and get on better than I ever have with anyone, In her words we understand eachother, don't give a shit and can be ourselves with one another - this makes me really happy because that's what relationships are about. 

I guess I'm like every other girl in the world though, I have my worries, I worry he will meet someone else, I worry he will get bored, I worry something will ruin us, I obviously worry too much. I often find myself thinking where did his past relationships go wrong and what is it that makes him want one with me and also will me and him just end up going our separate ways after a few months. Ahhh my brain needs to STFU.

Sooooo Uni. I'm back in, had my first week last week and I loved it. It was great to be actively learning again and seeing everyone from last year must admit I've missed it. Moving into a new house on Wednesday too with two girls, not even met them yet although we've spoke in text/on facebook. They both seem lovely so I'm genuinely excited about moving in with them. Hopefully we will go on a few nights out seen as I didn't do anything for freshers!!! Eekkkk toooooo excited about it all, black, white and purple bedroom is gonna be happening too!!! Salford won't know whats hit it!!!

What else? The kids are back at school so it's back to missing them loads until the Christmas Holidays :(. I hate the fact that Uni has so little holidays but at the same time love the fact that the holidays we have are lengthy so that I can spend a decent amount of quality time with them back home before I go back. I love my kids so so much.

Would have also been baby beans arrival date on Thursday (I know the date due to planned C-section). Its amazing how much your life changes in a few months, I miss babybean and I do think 'what could have been' but I find it's not healthy to dwell on the past. it's the past for a reason so I'm looking forward to my future with my beautiful children and my wonderful man....

I found your hairband on my bedroom floor,
The only evidence that you've been here before
And I don't get waves of missing you anymore,
They're more like tsunami tides in my eyes
Never getting dry, so I get high, smoke away the day then I sleep with the light on
Weeks pass in the blink of an eye,
And I'm still drunk at the end of the night
I don't drink like everybody else, 

I do it to forget things about myself,
stubborn and forward the heads just block
My heads still with you but my hearts just not

So am I close to you anymore, now it's over
And there's no chance that we'll work it out
You and I ended over U N I

One Month In & He's Not Killed Me Yet...

You got a smile so bright
you know you could of been a candle
I'm holding you so tight
you know you could of been a hand gun
The way you swipe me of my feet
you know you could of been a broom
and baby so, so sweeted
you know you could of been some bird food
well you could of been anything
that you wanted to, I can tell you
the way you do the things you do,
the way you do the things you do

Today is mine and the fellas 'month to the day' that we made stuff official. Check me out.... I've not killed him yet and he hasn't killed me... must be love! I don't like to use the massive 'L' word this early but I've known him for that long that I feel he was a friend before he was my boyfriend so I guess feelings have been pushed along by that.... saying that there is a difference between loving him and being in love with him..... I'm not sure where I stand with that one. I always think of him and smile, I always want to be with him, I appreciate him and miss him when he has gone and I also have fun with him. I guess my heart loves him.

I love you
Cuz you mean everything to me and I
I love you
I thank you for just being in my life
I love you
I love the way you can always make me smile
I love you
And wherever I go you're always in my heart 

So this last week-ish has been a busy one. My mum has gone to Florida for ten days and for the 1st time ever not took the children which means more time for me with my kids yay :). My sons in school so he cant come up to me but my daughter has so its been one week of trying to keep a three year old entertained. The most exciting thing in her eyes is going to the Trafford Centre and watching the dolphin fountains while throwing in pennies and making wishes (up to now she's wished that my mum come back and also for my uncles dog). The kids don't know my mum is in 'Mickeyland' as they call Disney World and they think she's gone to the sunshine hospital to get better - technically she has she needs the flippin break. I miss her myself though, I mean I don't live at home and haven't for a while so hardly see my mum but when I see the kids I normally see my mum and it's strange that I'm not! I am glad she's having the break though.... if anyone deserves all the happiness in the world it's my mum. She does everything for everyone. I love her all the world....and back again.

I'm doing proper crap with the blogs but with Uni coming up and all my time being with the kids and my mum before hand I'm so tired and have no time so please forgive me!!!!

Anywayyy thats all for today Iliana has wondered off and I should go find her......