One Month In & He's Not Killed Me Yet...

You got a smile so bright
you know you could of been a candle
I'm holding you so tight
you know you could of been a hand gun
The way you swipe me of my feet
you know you could of been a broom
and baby so, so sweeted
you know you could of been some bird food
well you could of been anything
that you wanted to, I can tell you
the way you do the things you do,
the way you do the things you do

Today is mine and the fellas 'month to the day' that we made stuff official. Check me out.... I've not killed him yet and he hasn't killed me... must be love! I don't like to use the massive 'L' word this early but I've known him for that long that I feel he was a friend before he was my boyfriend so I guess feelings have been pushed along by that.... saying that there is a difference between loving him and being in love with him..... I'm not sure where I stand with that one. I always think of him and smile, I always want to be with him, I appreciate him and miss him when he has gone and I also have fun with him. I guess my heart loves him.

I love you
Cuz you mean everything to me and I
I love you
I thank you for just being in my life
I love you
I love the way you can always make me smile
I love you
And wherever I go you're always in my heart 

So this last week-ish has been a busy one. My mum has gone to Florida for ten days and for the 1st time ever not took the children which means more time for me with my kids yay :). My sons in school so he cant come up to me but my daughter has so its been one week of trying to keep a three year old entertained. The most exciting thing in her eyes is going to the Trafford Centre and watching the dolphin fountains while throwing in pennies and making wishes (up to now she's wished that my mum come back and also for my uncles dog). The kids don't know my mum is in 'Mickeyland' as they call Disney World and they think she's gone to the sunshine hospital to get better - technically she has she needs the flippin break. I miss her myself though, I mean I don't live at home and haven't for a while so hardly see my mum but when I see the kids I normally see my mum and it's strange that I'm not! I am glad she's having the break though.... if anyone deserves all the happiness in the world it's my mum. She does everything for everyone. I love her all the world....and back again.

I'm doing proper crap with the blogs but with Uni coming up and all my time being with the kids and my mum before hand I'm so tired and have no time so please forgive me!!!!

Anywayyy thats all for today Iliana has wondered off and I should go find her......

Nevermind I've Found Someone Better Than You.....

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead

What is it with Adele and her music? I remember when she first come out with 'chasing pavements' and I didn't rate her much but I've really grown to like her in the past two years. She was mine and an exs 'artist'. All her music just seemed to relate to everything that we were going through and consequently she brought out certain songs when it was relevant to us. 'Make You Feel My Love' became our song then she brought out 'Someone Like You' when we broke up and as the song says 'I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it. I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over' ironic I just turned up at his house and sorted stuff out with him after 2 months of no contact. So as you see she holds alot in her music to do with my past, now she has brought out 'Turning Tables' and again.... it seems relevant.

Under haunted skies I see you
Where love is lost your ghost is found
I braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no, I will never be knocked down
I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb I can't breathe
So, I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won't rescue you to just desert me
I can't give you the heart you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables

I've heard alot in the past few days about me as a person and what I was like when I was with my ex and truth be told I didn't like what I heard. People I care about said I changed and that they didn't like it. I won't go into detail but bottom line is I was so wrapped up in my own life I failed to be there 100% for others and as people know that's not me. I guess it's hard to see that when you're in the situation because I never realised what I'd become but onwards and upward..... I'm back. 

I don't like writing about my ex, especially as my fella reads my blog, but the more I write about him, the more I realise how lucky I am to have the fella that I now have and how letting my ex go was the best decision for myself in both the short run and the long run also. My new fella has accepted my kids, something my ex didn't, he's accepted that I have a past, something my ex couldn't and he has even met the family.... something my ex wouldn't. He is utterly the best thing that could have ever happened to me.... I doubt that I would have ever thought that I could find someone like him, I didn't know men like him still existed nor that I deserved him. I probably don't deserve him, but I've got him and I'm not letting go. Its took him 18 months but yeah.... I kinda like him....alot.

Me and the fella don't have a 'song' infact I've just spend god knows how long looking about YouTube to see if I could find anything relevant but I'm a strong believer that you don't find yours and your partners 'song' but it finds you. I guess there are a lot of relevant songs for me and him, but none are mainstream and he wouldn't have ever heard them. 

I won't breathe until you just tell me everything is alright,

I am not scared of losing this

I'm afraid of losing you

I'm always telling him I'm scared of losing him, I never wanted him in my life and now he is I'm not sure how to deal with my feelings towards him at times and in my head I freak out but he's a good 'un and tells me 'everything is gonna be alright'.

Other news.... so there's a charity event next week for one of my friends who died, we wasn't as close as I am to some people but none the less, she's my special angel. I can't wait to get back together with everyone. It doesn't seem right now she's gone.... everyone has kinda grew apart and split up and to be honest I miss her lots, he crazy raving yellow ways.

What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

Another turning point;

A fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.
It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.
Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

Familiarity Breeds Contempt......

There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy I, must've been outta my mind
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I saw the real you

I wanted my blogs to focus around my day to day thoughts.... life... my babies, my mum, my haunting past. It was my diary my place to cry out when inside I was crumbling I mean okay it was my happy place too but it was and is my place to cry!! I never wanted my blogs to centre around my 'love-life' but as of late I've noticed thats all they're about and maybe thats because I thought I'd finally found something, someone worth writing about.... someone who made me smile when all I could do was cry inside, someone who was always on my mind therefore always on my blog.

It makes sense that I write about the amazing times because then the bad times might not seem as bad (plus they'd make sense instead of randomly going on about a never before mentioned other half).

Today is - in my eyes - our first 'bad day'. 

I can't be bothered going into the minority of detail and I'm not quite sure where to start but basically I'm meant to see  the Mr today and when he gets to me after a rather breezy quick 'discussion' about nothing in particular he just drives off.... without me. He's in one of his moods again. Now I know he's going through a hard time with things in his life, things nothing to do with me but every time I see him everything else is on his mind and yes I'm there with him but I'm not on his mind, he's (it feels) always preoccupied, stressed, tired, always something. The worst thing is I like him and I want to be with him but I don't get the same vibes from him anymore, he used to make an effort and he's even said it himself that he doesn't feel like he has to anymore (he means it as a joke but to be honest it's as if he means it with the way he is now) and I've said for a while now the only time I feel like he cares is when I'm at his - at bedtime but even the last time I stayed over I felt like I should have been at home because the only time he held me throughout the night was the following morning just before his alarm for work went off. I know he's tired and I know he's sick of work and I also know he can't control what he does in his sleep.... but all effort has gone. Picking me up and taking me to his doesn't show he cares....it's the little things that count.

I've been worried the past week that somethings gotta go wrong because I'm starting to like him quite a bit and inside I feel scared and lost. It's all well and good him saying and texting me saying 'I'm not going anywhere' but I've heard that ten times over and trust me - they've gone!! I can't get hurt.... I really can't. I wonder if he's ready for a relationship... he hasn't had one for a while and he's quite the 'lads lad'. He's mature and stuff.... but really is he after what I am. Everyone who knows me knows that I don't get into anything unless I think its going to be serious and is that him? I don't know.... I don't know anything anymore, as much as I don't wanna lose him I think he just doesn't want this.

You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around

I took your words and I believed
In everything you said to me

I wanted you to be there when i fall,

I wanted you to see me through it all,

I wanted you to be the one i love,

I wanted you,

I wanted you,

I wanted you to hold me in my sleep,
I wanted you to show me what i need,
I wanted you to know just how down deep,

I wanted you,

I wanted you,

You know when you're that scared to be hurt and you think.... it's gonna happen sooner or later I'd rather it happen before I 'love' him, if I ever love him. You don't fall in love with someone who can't love you back.... you fall in love with someone who makes everyday the best, who makes you smile, who takes you in his arms and doesn't give a fuck when he says 'baby I love you' and most of all.... you fall in love with someone who shows you they are worthy of your love and who shows you that they love you back.

I love him but only on my own

I don't know how to love him.
What to do, how to move him.
I've been changed, yes really changed.
In these past few days, when I've seen myself,
I seem like someone else.
I don't know how to take this.
I don't see why he moves me.
He's a man. He's just a man.
And I've had so many men before,
In very many ways,
He's just one more.
Should I bring him down?
Should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love,
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this.
What's it all about?

One day you'll wake up and realise how special she is and she'll be waking up to someone who already knows... 

I don't want somebody else to realise.... I want him to!!!

 

It's Been A Long Time....

I realised that last week and a half doing my blog everyday is impractical. My reasons for blogging everyday was because I had that much going on inside my head at one time I had to get it out, also I felt really lazy and was worried I'd forget how to write by the time I got back to Uni. So my blog-a-day rule has been totally abandoned now seen as I last blogged *thinks* a week and four days ago (when I say thinks I mean *checks phone calendar*) and SO much has happened. I've moved out of dilapidated Irwell much to my disappointment (actually no sarcasm). I really wanted to stay there as I felt like bing there was one of the main reasons for me doing so well in Uni, it was local, convenient and somewhere close enough to Uni where I could roll out of bed after a hard night of Pernod shots in town or a full night in the library getting in that stupid impossible assignment. I miss Irwell, okay it's scummy and I hate it when I'm there but it was my home for a year!!! Unfortunately there's no places left in Uni accommodation so I've had to move miles out to near the airport and I've just gotta wait and hear to see if those lovely 1st years drop out so I can have a house there!! Urgh. For now I'm staying with my Auntie and to be honest I love it. If it was close to Uni I'd stay here all the time. It's like home, real home when I lived with my Mum.... I wish she lived in the same city still!!

What else... I've been staying at the boyfs house, at first I was adamant that I didn't wanna go because I don't want to meet the parentals but with me so far now pickers can't be choosers and all that, it's the only time I get to see him overnight so it's gotta be done. They're nice though his parents so that makes it easier to want to go round and stay. I'm worried things are moving too fast with us now.... it's only been a month and I really like him.... maybe I should take a look at my ten rules from a few blogs before and calm the fuck down....

I ended up in town today at pretty much 7am because the boyf had work and I didn't want to wait at his till 5 so got the bus home. While I was on the bus I couldn't help but think that right now I'd be a month away from delivering my baby

They say everything happens for a reason, and people change like the seasons... they grow apart.

I have to keep thinking this otherwise I'd never get through the day plus I think I'm happier now than I was in February, actually not think, I know I'm happier now.... I finally have something I shouldn't let go of because he doesn't treat me like crap, talk to me like crap, accuse me of crap 24/7 or talk crap about me to his mates. He likes me for me. I actually never sit there thinking 'what if I was still pregnant where would me and him* be now' I just think 'If I was pregnant, I wouldn't be as happy as I am now, I wouldn't have my boyfriend, I wouldn't have this life'. I do occasionally think what would it be like right now but that's never to do with my ex, that's always to do with my child. October 13th - due date, October 7th - delivery date. The last time I'll let myself dwell on missing something I never had.  

They say everything happens for a reason and people change like the seasons.... they grow apart and if I'm honest I'm glad they did, you have to let old things go so new things can happen, let dead things die so new things can grow, let things go to see if they were worth holding onto....and they weren't. David has shown me that,

And I ain't too proud to tell you that I cry sometimes
I cry sometimes about it

I’ve been giving it some thought lately and frankly
I’m feelin’ like we ain't ready and it’s… hold up now
Let me finish
Think about it baby me and you we still kids ourself
How we gon' raise a kid by ourself?
Handle biz by ourself

I'm lucky to have what I have now, everything I ever wanted, let's just hope that familiarity doesn't breed contempt with him, I want to be treated like it was the first time he realised he wanted me, cute texts, status', the caring nature I'll fall for..... he knows this.... so he better do it!!!

Boy when I look in your eyes
I can’t help lose track of time
I know we’re young
But I gotta’ make you mine
And this is so unlike me
To fall so deep easily lets make it me and you
Baby let me make you mine