I'm Hard Through & Through...

I'm gonna have a mixed blog today, I have a few things to say and some I don't particularly want to dwell on. So!

Time and time again I've said that I don't care
That I'm immune to gloom, that I'm hard through and through
But every time it matters all my words desert me
So anyone can hurt me, and they do.

It's funny how people you thought were decent can change your opinion in a split second, after blogging the other day I received an inbox on the ever popular social networking site about how I shouldn't have to justify my parenting choices, that if I wanted to go to University I should be proud. To be honest I didn't need telling I'm proud regardless of what others think because while most young mums are stuck in a dead end estate with no hope I was trying to make something of myself.... such a bad person. Sue me bitch. Then that very same person inboxed me after 'supporting' me just a few days earlier calling me all the names under the sun Grow.The.Fuck.Up.Cupcake!!!! On that, that is all.

Anyway so today I found myself watching a bloody city match? Why? I don't really follow football but if I do I'm a Red!! 90 minutes of my life I'll never get back, I want them back!! Infact keep them. I'm so tired/restless lately I'll do anything to pass the time - clean, cook, watch all Harry Potters 1-7.1, bath the kids in a paddling pool so its more 'fun', watch city!! See anything.

I think I'm missing Uni, I certainly miss the gossip with my mate Squidgey (obviously not her real name) and the unbelievable banter in the lecture room. I genuinely love my Uni lot. It's my 3rd (going into 4th) year at the same University and this is the 1st time that I've felt like I've cracked it, met the right people, on the right course and I must be right to some extent as I've not yet wanted to leave not even for a second, not even after a rather messy breakup with someone on the course. Never get involved with a classmate! I think the root to my 'University happiness' is for a fact the people. It took me a while to get to know them but never in my life have I met such a wonderful, welcoming, entertaining yet diverse number of classmates. They made me want to go into a boring 2 hour History of English seminar just to hear the latest on Toms 'man-bag' & slumber issues, Miles' 'getting hungover' stories, play a bit of 'where's Ni'am', get the latest stories from Maxine and relive the massively drunken antics of mine and Olivias frolicks with Gromit slippers and beef sarnies. Oh and to hear Miss Thompson call our Nick a 'snazzer' and plan our future foam events with 2 sprite bottles and a half bottle of vodka and I cannot possibly forget the famous shot vase. I've had such support from all these people, and the ones not mentioned - you all know who you are and it makes me happy to be in the University that I am. I miss them all loads and now want this summer to be over just so more memories can be made with the Linguistic bunch!! Okay so 'Dialect & Dialectology' doesn't sound fun, probably won't be so I'm counting on them lot to make it what it was last year.... snazzy with lots of squidgey cake. Thanks guys :)

Not Much Of A Plan Tbh....

My plan for starting a blog was to write everyday and talk about feelings of general day to day life upto now double fail. I think the worst I've done is skip one day, I aim to only miss one day of blogging at the most and end up scolding myself when I do, then the next day find myself putting down the laptop and picking it back up to write something - anything! I hate trying to force write something but lately I've found myself doing just that and if I'm honest I'm not entirely pleased with the results. My first few posts are by far my best, the rest are mediocre in comparison, but it was my plan to write, and write I shall. My only explanation is that I'm currently staying with my mum and my children for a few weeks so I haven't the time to think of what to write, whereas when I'm away at University the amount of free time I have is ridiculous - only in the summer though, it's not all so breezy. It was while lying in my room one day having gone through 4 'real' books in a week that I decided to blog, I couldn't take much more reading so decided to draw upon my creative skills from my attempt at a previous degree and voila - blog. Okay so no it hasn't gone to plan I realised that I didn't want to jump right into a 'well today blah blah blah' blog, I wanted the reader to be able to relate to some or all of my life issues, trials and tribulations, I wanted my reader to know me on a level of comfort and familiarity, thus started past stories. I'm sure as time goes on I wont need to keep going back to past events as they will all eventually be covered and my solid readers (if there is any) can follow any references to the past without thinking 'what on earth is this girl on about'. It's just at times I find myself struggling to write, I guess if nothing particular has happened throughout the day then I have no muse, no focus, no starting point and everything starts with a starting point. Obviously. 

I guess thats life though, there's no certainty in what will happen, what will be said, what can influence. The only certainty in this life is ironically death. Everybody dies but not everybody lives. Today I guess I'm thinking you set out to do something, to achieve something and objects get in your way, may they be necessary or not. Sometimes they can be a blessing in disguise so just go with it, follow your instinct. You'll get there in the end.

It Sucks To Be You Right Now...

Don't you just love having one over on people. Okay so it's kinda childish and pathetic and normally I wouldn't be so.... I guess smug.... but sometimes you just can't help it.

Sometimes when you're so stuck and into a situation you can never see people for what they're really like, what everyone else has warned you about and told you to stay away from. That is until you step out of the situation and someone else takes your rose tinted place, makes you analyze and just think 'so glad I'm out of that'. Again I'm talking about my memoirs of man troubles I seem to have :) lucky lucky me. I used to see this guy and lets just say we wasn't suited, as much as I wanted us to be. I just couldn't get what I wanted from him, and tbh I don't even know what that was....probably his time. So as it went we went our separate ways and for a while I missed him but gradually I realised I was totally better off and I was happy. I think I used to struggle with being single and a lot of my friends and the people around me thought the same thing, admittedly I went from one boyfriend to the next with little or no gap in-between but it wasn't so much I didn't want to be alone, it was more I didn't have to be and if I didn't have to be, why should I be? I can now say I'm so much happier single, and even when I have someone there, I still prefer to be alone. After us parting he met somebody else, she was lovely and I was happy for him, if he couldn't be happy with me then I'd like him to be happy with someone else, I'm actually nice like that. People don't get me, I'll say if someone is pretty and I'll say if someone is ugly.... I won't slate someone just because I don't like them, If they're pretty then they're pretty. End of. Maybe that's the pushover in me? So anyway hes happy, I'm happy....or is he? We remained friends which I was okay with, I'm one of those that don't get why people cannot be friends with an ex, if it wasn't love then why not, and if it was, after time, it can happen. Only me and him had such great chemistry would a text ever stay as a text. Would it fuck! Simple texts turned into friendly texts, friendly texts turned into flirtatious texts and flirtatious texts went into meeting. Meeting.... well that went into brilliant past times. Sure I felt bad for his new squeeze but I was the single one, he was in the wrong and in my wicked childish way I had him still and both of us were happy with what we were getting out of our new friendship. It changed my perspective on him though, and its just what I needed. I needed to see him for what he really was like, that he wasn't this hot innocent guy that I'd once wanted so bad, but just like any other guy out there, just a guy. Nothing important. Everything he'd ever said to me was ironically being proved to be lies with me and because of me. Safe to say I'm glad I got out of it when I did.

It taught me that no matter what, no matter what anyone says or promises you that you can probably only ever trust yourself emotionally, physically and certainly mentally because at times when everything falls apart, you only have yourself to rely on. It sucks to be her right now....

Too Fast To Live...

Too young to die

How sad has the news been this year, too many people have lost their lives and just this week over 90 people killed within one place, and they say Norway is a safe place to live. I don't particularly understand what possesses anyone to kill one person, nevermind 90 odd people. I mean fair enough I could possibly kill a few of my exs (figuratively of course for any law enforcement people reading ;)) but on a serious note, killing anyone is wrong, but children, innocent children? Disgusting. 

Aside from that Amy Winehouse has also been found dead. Okay so I agree yes she was a drug and alcohol user but she is still somebodies daughter. If any of my children got stuck in such a rut like her and the inevitable happened, however predictable I'd still expect some sort of respect. How would anyone feel reading jokes about any of their dead family members, distasteful if you ask me. Also another thing that has really really annoyed me about people complaining Amy is being spoken about more than the Norwegians ask yourself this - if the bombing and shooting was in Iraq/Pakistan etc would any of you actually be arsed? No!!!! Its just because its somewhere new. Pot, kettle, black, bandwagon much? I'm just saying that people are quick enough to jump on something but when fans mourn someone who although troubled in her personal life, blessed the world with her unique voice.

R.I.P to those lost in Norway

but the person in my heart is Amy, she brought music into my life, explained my own feelings and thoughts to me, kept my mind busy when I was lonely and hearing her music brings happy memories to me. Finally a girl at war with herself is in peace

R.I.P Amy Jade Winehouse, you will be missed.

I'm Not Lying To You, I Just Don't Want You To Hurt....

I hate lying. Any form of it, and being lied to = the worst feeling ever. Saying that I've totally done my fair share of lying and surprisingly not really in my childhood. Can't say its something I'm particularly proud of and as shallow as it sounds I only ever have lied to save someones feelings, okay so 1% of the lie was to save my own ass but the other 99% would inevitably be to save someones feelings. No-one can say it's to save myself fully because in the one instance where I really really didn't want to hurt someone and I lied terribly I still came clean. Let me take you to that time.

Last year I met a guy (alot of my future blogs may center around guys ha) and initially he was just someone from a club I went to and we had mutual friends. After a couple of months we began to talk over a social networking site, cutting out all the boring bits we got together and fell in love. Too quick! I'm probably known for falling in 'love' too quick but as my Twitter account says 'People think I fall in love all the time, in reality I don't' and it's true, I don't. I've hardly ever loved anyone - ever. Apart from the obvious family love I've only ever really loved my daughters dad. So anyone thinking I love all the time think on, there's a difference between being in a relationship and being in love - figure it out! Okay so I've definitely misplaced trust in people and thought they made me happy and that's possibly because they did for a while at one time in my life, doesn't mean I love them and just because I express how happy someone makes me feel doesn't mean I'm in love with them, just means for that small moment in time, I'm happy. So anyway I actually fall in love with this guy, hook-line-sinker the whole dewy eyed works, sighing, texting, missing, love you crap. We have a brilliant start to the relationship, usual 'heated discussions' that any relationship has but we are so in love. Well I am, takes him a while as it does any man but he gets there. I move out of my house, in the middle of Beirut (actually the shameless estate), it does me a favor getting me out of a bad area and gives us more time together. Then I start Uni, then I mess up. Big time. His main worry with me at Uni would be that things will change, I promise they won't, but they do. Trying to make friends I become close to a guy from my lectures, we end up too close and then the lies creep in. I know I'm wrong but I can't help but not want to break my fellas heart. So I move out and leave him, surely its the right thing to do? In my head it is, in my heart I've left the one I love for the one I like. Silly Girl! I'm cutting out all the boring bits but as the month wears on my mind is still with my ex so I call him and every single little lie I ever told him tumbles out, I explain how I miss him and I'm sorry and I know whatever I say won't make a difference but I'm genuinely sorry, he tells me where to go and that it, telling the truth got me nowhere. But I don't regret it. I eventually leave the new guy, its not fair hurting him nor living a lie, he takes it awfully and we haven't spoke since, not quite sure how I feel about that. A month or so later I get speaking to my ex and after turning up at his at 12 at night and a long chat we become friends again. Finally I have him back in my life, I'd missed him so much. We decided after a while to try give us another go, just me and him, no-one else knowing because we know that the world and his shaggy dog would judge us. We had our ups and downs again, but I never lied to him again - ever. Okay so I lied initially to save his feelings but I don't regret telling him everything, or leaving him for that matter.

Guess its a case of you never know what you have till it's gone. Now I have him back, I don't need anything to help me realize how important he is. Lets just hope fate has a decent future for us.

Keeping Promises To Yourself...

Do you ever make a promise to yourself and not keep it? Or think about it to the point where you cross the invisible boundaries that you put in place to stop yourself getting back into the same situation. I tend to make a lot of promises, to be honest I probably make unrealistic promises and ones that I undoubtedly will never ever remember. Its normally music that starts any thought process in my head, that is unless it's to do with doing any sort of University work, then it's music that makes me procrastinate. It's pretty safe to safe that music is my drug, my escape, my emotion. With emotion comes thought, with thought comes memories, with memories..... broken promises. Isn't it funny how you can promise someone 'I'll pick that up for you in town' 'I'll let you know how things go' but you can never promise yourself anything, because nine out of ten times you can't keep it, through choice or in my case a thought process. The promises I usually take are those where I promise not to get involved with anyone who has hurt me in the past, but however I'm too forgiving and too quick to forget. I heard a song yesterday in a shop and getting out my iPhone & shazam-ing it as the new technological world allows I listened to it just before this blog and one person who hurt me this year sprung to mind. It got me thinking why am I so nice, so forgiving, such.....a pushover? Maybe it's time for a change, maybe just maybe I should let certain people know what I feel about them. Why should I break my back giving people attention when they can only be arsed to text me for one thing....one thing being at their gain. It'd be nice if once in a while people were respectful, 

I have one friend that springs to mind that does text me if he needs me but yet he's always there when I need him - thanks Ray :). 

So maybe it's time to keep some promises to myself because maybe some people aren't worth my time nor my attention....

You Only Lose Something By Chance Or Choice

Ever had that moment.... 'where are my keys - in my hand' 'where's my phone - oh I'm on it' 'where's my life gone - you've been wasting it'. I've been at the first few a fair few times, got myself all agitated then had to laugh and unquestionably update my social networking status so others could 'like' and laugh!! We've all been there. The last one however I've felt few times, but still the feeling of, I guess helplessness, is so engulfing it takes over your life. I'm not going to list every single time I've felt I've wasted time because in detail it would undoubtedly be a mundane read but I'll let you into a few times. The first which springs to mind is moving into University accommodation, yes the beginning of a fun student life but to me it was the end of a life I had become accustom to. As from my previous blogs you would have gathered I left home and moved into my own place, this was in my retake of my first year at University. Cutting out the detail I later moved into a partners house and after a typical fall out gone too far I then took the big move into student housing. By far the best thing I have ever done, although at the time I wouldn't appreciate that. Sitting in a small cramped room, staring at the ceiling I could not help but cry, I'd lost most of my possessions, my boyfriend,  and now I was in a room barely bigger than my previous bathroom. Where had my life gone? I was 21, should have been graduating yet here I was, third year at Uni, new course, new 'home', new path set out for me in life. At the time I scolded myself for making the choices I had done in the previous months. But did I really lose something, or had I backhandedly gained something? I have to say I'm the happiest I've been in a long time, okay so life isn't perfect but seriously.... define perfect.... it's impossible. I lost a lot yet gained so much life experience and not the sort you get from living alone, the sort you get from losing everything, finding out who your real friends are and who's there to pick up the pieces.  

You Only Lose Something By Chance Or Choice

Chance handed me the choices, choices made me take chances and do you know what, the choices made through chance have made me who I am, just a University Mum :).

Family Time

Family is really important to most people, some more than others. Some families stretch all the way around the world and can hold it together when on different continents others can't even stand to be in the same room as one another. My family is the sort that stretches right around the world and back again (well England anyway) but they only do so to avoid being together. Eight aunties, two uncles, over 70 cousins (maternal) and one uncle from my Dads family, out of all them who do I speak to? 4 cousins, 1 aunt and my mum. My family just aren't worth the bother, although some of my cousins are actually seemingly lovely we just haven't grown up together. Anyone who knows me knows how close I am to my mum, she was the person there when I grew up, if I fell over she mopped up the blood and tears and gave me the kind of hug only a mum can give. As i grew older she was the one there for school reports and plays and then after leaving school and beginning college the one there when I found out I was pregnant. Always supportive, even after my second pregnancy 2 years later I couldn't imagine life without her. Going to college and then University was all down to my mum, she took on the parental role so that I could get a decent education and fully provide for my children in the future. I love her so much for this. Now don't get me wrong, my children are my life, as much as people think I must forget about them, I never ever ever do. I'm just determined to do something with my life and not be stuck in a dead end job, I want a career not a job - a career. A lot of my 'family' and 'friends' have slagged me off rotten for letting my kids live with my mum after I moved out of home, but luckily I had real friends, the kind of friends that supported my decisions and know that I know best for my kids. Which I do!! If I wasn't in Uni now where would I be.... oh yeah claiming your taxes. So next time you judge me, think on sunshine!!! I'm not doing this for me, if i was I'd have left Uni a year ago and give up. I'm doing this for my children, I'm doing this so I can provide, so I can one day repay my mum for everything she did for me. I love my mum.

If We Were A Secret How Long Could You Keep It....

If you have a secret, how long could you keep it? We all hold secrets within our lives, some more than others. In my 22 years on this earth I've had the little secrets otherwise known as rumors and I've had the secrets where I've had to consider peoples feelings..... 'I wonder if he knows shes cheated on him 2 years ago?'. I've had secrets where I've lied far too easily to protect people and I've had the secrets that really are no secret! Would you lie though and put your own feelings of a situation aside to remain friends with someone, and the only secret is you're lying about your feelings? Let me clear this up.
Last night I went to visit a mate of mine, I won't name names as this is after all a public blog and some people reading it may know who he is and to be frank wouldn't have realized how closer mates we used to be....kinda. After a falling out (again no details are needed) mainly on his part, which he fully accepts - for once with a man, I found myself building the bridges to become friends again, if I'm honest I missed him in my life. For the first time in what must be months I found myself agreeing to meet up, our friendship up to now had been solidly based around texts and whilst walking to meet him I wasn't entirely sure if I was ready to be friends face to face. 

As I'm walking I see a sign - change lanes, change lives - I let the thought roll around in my head. Since I've started walking I've contemplated turning around, If I turn around now I wouldn't have to face him yet, I literally think of sitting at every bus stop to just not get there. When I see the change lanes, change lives sign I move onto the next row of concrete slabs on the ground stupidly thinking, it's a change. The evening air smelt musty and I worried more about seeing him, how awkward would it be, are him and I just going to pick up from where we left our friendship....or is it tainted for life? Are we even ready for being face-to-face friends yet? God the sir smells bad. I slow myself down the closer I get to the meeting point, pretty much take pin head steps, I'm too much like a child, I'm not thinking about this rationally, I wanted to be friends, what the fuck's up with me. I've always been a nervous person but situations like this where you're unsure how well something can be truly salvaged nerves are intensified by at least a billion percent, if that's a real percentage. When we fell out I promised myself I'd never let him into my life again, I'd never let him become a close and trusted friend....ever. I know we were only friends but when you lose someone you love who's been in your life since you were a teenager it's hard to hold yourself to your word. That's where the lies begin, mainly to yourself. 

Can we afford to be that open with all of our emotions? When you get hurt by someone it's like playing with fire, do you put your hand back in the flames just to see how hot they are? I guess that's what I was doing, he was important to me (as are all my friends) and I know in my heart of hearts it's better to let bygones be bygones and all that jazz and as I said when I made the first move to become friends, I don't want to fall out over something so little. Surprisingly, we met, and it was just as if nothing had changed and although I swore to myself I'd never ever EVER let him into my life I have and yet again surprisingly I don't regret it, not yet anyhow. I wouldn't call him my best friend but I see sides to him most haven't and he brings out things in me that most couldn't, would I be a fool to let that go? Probably. You know when you have a good friend I guess. I've rambled quite a bit today so if you've made it to the bottom - thanks :).

If you have a secret, how long could you keep it?

Can we afford to be that open with all of our emotions?

I guess my point is I've lied to myself, I've gone back on my own words but it's okay, I'm happy. If the person who this is about reads it, they will know it's them. I just wanna say, I'm okay with everything that went on, you're important to me and I wasn't about to fall out over something....so little, something I should never have dwelled on. I felt you cuddle me last night, I knew from then I'd made the right decision... let the right people into your life, even when it's wrong -x-

Honetly How Honest...

I'm thinking today, how honest can you be in your own blog if, like mine, it's about your own day to day life. I guess you have to find the right balance, be honest enough to be interesting but not be too honest where the reader is somehow shocked; saying that the best reactions come from the shock factor.
I broke a mirror today and straight away thought "7 years bad luck, mint" but after deliberating with another of my University housemates it was decided the bad luck was cancelled out due to the mirror being double sided & only one side breaking....logical in any sense :). I don't think I could cope with any more bad luck in my little life. The big 'C' is seeming to take down way too many close relatives and friends, including my mum and my best friend, then there's my troubles in University (nearly getting kicked out) and a stupid amount of man troubles for my young age. I reckon another 7 years of bad luck wouldn't be very appealing to me right now.
I'm having trouble with today's blog, maybe I have what the literary students would call 'writers block' or maybe I just want to be outside in the sunshine, preferably in a bar in town sipping a Dr. Pepper cocktail. Ever feel you've wasted a day....!

It's Funny How...

I find it rather absurd that somewhere out in the world my husband to be is doing his day to day things. Working perhaps, maybe *please god no* on the dole and dossing in his friends living room watching the 100th re-run of Jeremy Kyle. I find it fascinating that the person that you're with now, isn't necessarily going to be your soul mate, however much you think 'they are the one' and that somewhere in the world someone is going to be there and your paths will cross at exactly the right time in life. Fate?

I never was one to believe in fate then when I was 17 after meeting a boy I 'really liked' as all teenagers do (I can't tell you how many people my friends and I 'really liked') I decided that each person chooses their own paths in life and make decisions of where they will undertake crucial changes and turns before they are even born. After meeting this boy a few times and even being taken to his house I knew that me and him would go no further. Mediocre things end for better things to start. Surfing the web at home one day I spotted a girl on Myspace that I used to know as a kid; turns out my '1st love' was her cousin and I'd totally forgotten. Fate? After convincing me he'd since turned gay and laughing at my gullible nature we decided to meet up and become friends again. I can't say I was shocked at his 'chavvy' appearance (I wasn't much better myself) but this boy was slowly turning into a man, 18 now, not the 12 year old I had known. I thought back to the other boy whom I knew I had nothing in common with and looked forward to this - although old in memory, new in face - man that I was faced with. Fate had it for us I knew that but to what extent it would portray itself I was uncertain. Now five years later fate brought me my daughter and left him by the way-side. A washed up, still chavvy (where I hope i've matured out of that phase) jobless man. A man fate didn't burden me with as my soul mate. Thank God!

Boredom is getting the better of me

How many times have you logged onto social networking sites out of boredom? There's only so much Facebook/Twitter/non-existent Myspace I can take, and I'm an addict. I figured staying in University for summer as opposed to going home (a place that isn't really 'home' but I'll explain that later) would be fun.... oh how wrong can one girl be. Starting out of the 3rd floor window I cant help but think 'should've gone home' as much as I know it'll bore the hell out of me its gotta be better than staring at old brick and red dilapidated paintwork on House 30 opposite me. Okay so 'home' is now 'the middle of nowhere' a place in which I've never really lived but where my Mum decided to move to when I moved out of our REAL home, bit gutted really, I miss her being around the corner and then.... I miss the kids. Coming to University was something I HAD to do, not just for me but ever since the blue line on the little white stick appeared I had to make it for my child. Living in a rough sort of area I was used to seeing these teen mums with their L&Ms hanging out of the corner of their mouths, juggling a baby whilst arguing with I guess their boyfriends. There was only one girl on the entire estate I respected; she was a decent mum even if she was just 15 and still today 7 years later her and her baby's father are still strong but aside from her the estate I lived on as a young teen was dire!!! So being on a typical Mancunian young mum estate I HAD to do well in life. No choice, had too!!!