People Come & Go.....

Its been a while, just lately that's how all my blogs have started but I just give up with the blogging. It didn't help that it was my place to vent and it became about my relationship and then when things got bad I didn't want to blog because I knew he read it. I feel the need to blog today though because I'm suddenly lost in life.

It's been a tough few months and the people that I needed to be there in my life to tell me things would be okay were pretty much non existent. I complained in a summertime blog about how little I seen the people I considered my 2 best friends throughout the year and I'm sad to say that hasn't changed at all. Inside I feel selfish because they have full time jobs and partner to see but I just feel like they aren't my best friends any more. I've really REALLY needed them the last 2/3 months and I've seen them possibly once...

I guess nothing lasts forever and I'm naive to think a close friendship would but I finally thought I'd found two people who would be there for me as much as I would be there for them. They know I'd drop anything and everything if I needed them and in the past I have done but I don't feel like they would do the same for me. I don't mean with work commitments because I would never ask them to do that but I mean make that one minute for me. Everytime I text them 'come out this weekend' I generally get 'can't this weekend, next weekend' and then something comes up so they can't make that either. I know as people grow up they see eachother less but there's seeing eachother less and then there's not at all and this is not at all. Can't even remember the last time I seen them all together and it used to be at least once a week that we'd do something together as friends.

I don't even think they know anything about me any more, it's like they have proper lives now they don't need mates but I do, my friends are always gonna be important to me. 

I guess I'm asking too much to see them, for them to be there right now, for them to let me be there for them how it used to be. I guess best friends don't exist as you get older, just friends in passing.

So I don't wanna tell you anything
I can't even think about
How you feel inside
But we are best friends, right? 

With all this on my mind I've been very tempted to leave University for some time to go to where my Mum is with my children. I feel that there is absolutely nothing left for me in Manchester and I'd be happier if I moved away. It used to be Uni and my friends that kept me here but now that the friends who seem to care the most aren't even in Manchester I think why am I here? If I moved it wouldn't make a difference to my life except for leaving Uni. My kids would have me back full time and maybe I'd be happier with them because here in my hometown I feel lost, like I don't belong anymore. Its not home.

I've lost myself in my life, I don't know why I'm where I am anymore or why I chose to stay here.

Too Much Thought.....

I paid all my dues
And she wanted to know
That I’d never leave her
Now I’m ready to go
And strange as it seems
She’s endless to me
She’s just like paperwork
But harder to read

Patience, my enemy
And loving’s my friend
It’s harder to leave
With my heart on my sleeve
Than to stay and just pretend
Oh, she knows me so well
Oh, she knows me like I know myself

Its funny when you're in a relationship and you think too far into the future and then worry about it. I love my boyfriend very much but I always panic that something, somewhere, somehow it will go wrong. I often think that if.... just if he decided to up and leave one day what would I be like? I've let some people go without a fight, even if they were worth one and I've fought to hell for some people who weren't worth a nano second of my time. I don't know what I'd do if he walked away, I guess if he walked and I deserved it then I'd let him go, if he wasn't happy I'd also let him go just so he could find someone who could put that cheeky smile back on his face, but how I'd react..... that's beyond me. See I don't even know why I'm thinking like this.... maybe sometimes we are too good to be true because deep down I only enjoy our relationship when we're together, when we're apart I'm just panicking. He's the most difficult person in the world to read!! Maybe I should just stay quiet and put up with my worry..... maybe I should enjoy him till he fucks off!!

I really miss my friends lately so I've been making an effort to see more of them. I went to meet up with my best mate Chris today seen as I've hardly seen him since he moved to Uni 3 years ago so now he's back I'm making more of an effort to see him. Totally acted like big kids and went to see Lion King 3D, threw popcorn at each other and heckled Scar for killing Mufasa.... how dare he!!! Also get to see my Lois & Ade tomorrow night which I'm really excited for :) and thennnnn a week Saturday it's my house-warming so I get to see Alison!!! So glad I'm seeing my three besties over the next few weeks, they make me smile.

On other notes going home to see the babies soon hopefully. I spoke to my son today and he asked me what he always does when he gets on the phone (which isn't that often) 'You coming my house to see me soon Mum?' 

I love my babies so so so much!!!!

When you was just a young’un you’re looks but so precious
But now your grown up
So fly its like a blessing but you can’t have a man look at you for 5 seconds
Without you being insecure
You never credit yourself so when you got older
It’s seems like you came back 10 times over
Now you’re sitting here in this damn corner
Looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulder

See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love

See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love

New Beginnings.....

Yeah I'm shit at blogging!!! Nothing more to say on that as you all know the rules of this blog. Sooooooooo moving swiftly on...

Its been a busy old month, moving house, kids back at school, me back at Uni!! Yay. So I finally found the perfect house near Uni and have moved in with two lovely girls. There was the slight worry that we'd all met online in order to get accommodation and we wouldn't get on but so far so good and to be honest I can't see us not getting on - ever :) they are totally lovely people, so genuine.... and you don't get that with girls or at least I've rarely come across it so I've definitely struck lucky. So I'm settled in our lovely, big, cosy house :) and I'm loving it.

The kids are back at school now obviously and misbehaving as usual!! I get time off soon so I'll go see them. I miss them loads already and just have to keep telling myself I'm doing this for them to have a decent life!!! It will be worth it. Looking forward to getting back home and getting on my beautiful Winchester piano, gotta learn Konstantine.... I've fallen in love with the song all over again.... don't think I ever stopped loving the song tbh.

Me and the fella have been together a grand total of 2 months today... yeah awwwhhhh!!! Its going amazing, it's like we just go together, even family have commented on how well we get on. He is so good to me I cannot complain and I'm so so happy that his life is back on track in respect of him seeing his baby boy. It means alot to me that he is happy.  If he's happy then I am!!

I'm back at Uni now and even though my timetable is so poor I'm happy to be back in the little time that I am. Its nice to have a structure and purpose in my life plus seeing my friends again is amazingggg seen as I've hardly seen anyone over the holidays. I'm still missing my besties though as I've not seen them for two months :( but hopefully that'll soon change...

Anywayyyy I'm gonna go watch Lion King tomorrow YAY them little kids better move outta the way, I'm first in line.

I can't imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don't understand
All the things you've seen
But I'm slipping in between
You and your big... dreams
It's always you and my big dreams

And you tell me
That it's over
But I can't stand here in a patch of four leaf clover
And your restless
And I'm naked
You've got to get out
You can't stand to see me shaking
No, could you let me go
I didn't think so

And you don't want to be here in the future
So you say
The present's just a pleasant
Interruption to the past
And you don't want to look much closer
'Cause you're afraid to find out all the hope
That you had sent into the sky by now had... crashed
And it did because of me

This is because I can spell confusion with a K
and I like it
It's to dying in another's arms
And why I had to try it
It's to jimmy eat world
And those nights in my car
But this time I'm alone, and I don't see those stars
I'm not your star?
Isn't that what you said
What you thought this song meant
You thought this song meant

And if this is what it takes
Just to lie in my mistakes
And live with what I did to you
And all the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock it's 11:11
And now you want to talk
It's not hard to dream
You'll always be my Konstantine

Its Been A While...

Wow it's been ages since I last blogged and I must say quite a bit has happened. I skipped loads of stuff in my last blog because I was writing purely for the principle that I hadn't written in ages. I'd like to think I'm back into blogging now but I'm so scatty lately that I wouldn't rely on it. So last time I blogged me and my fella were a month into our relationship, it's nice to say we're still going strong. He gets more amazing by the day, don't get me wrong he has his off days but the days where he's really nice to me make up for the moody days and just lately theres so much more niceness than there is moodiness :). He's away on a lads weekend at the moment in Bratislava and its safe to say I'm a little lost without him, I normally see him every day... almost. Times apart give me time to re-evaluate our relationship and also my true feelings for it and where it's heading as well as where I would like it to go, he'll be like what the flip at this... don't worry Mr you're doing well.... so far. As I'm living with my auntie at the moment (long story) I do have the boredom edge slightly taken off which is nice, we spend alot of time spending money we don't have and discussing anything and everything -  including me and the other half. My Auntie reckons that this is the first time I've been with someone decent who hasn't treated me like shit and used me like a door mat in her opinion we are perfectly suited and get on better than I ever have with anyone, In her words we understand eachother, don't give a shit and can be ourselves with one another - this makes me really happy because that's what relationships are about. 

I guess I'm like every other girl in the world though, I have my worries, I worry he will meet someone else, I worry he will get bored, I worry something will ruin us, I obviously worry too much. I often find myself thinking where did his past relationships go wrong and what is it that makes him want one with me and also will me and him just end up going our separate ways after a few months. Ahhh my brain needs to STFU.

Sooooo Uni. I'm back in, had my first week last week and I loved it. It was great to be actively learning again and seeing everyone from last year must admit I've missed it. Moving into a new house on Wednesday too with two girls, not even met them yet although we've spoke in text/on facebook. They both seem lovely so I'm genuinely excited about moving in with them. Hopefully we will go on a few nights out seen as I didn't do anything for freshers!!! Eekkkk toooooo excited about it all, black, white and purple bedroom is gonna be happening too!!! Salford won't know whats hit it!!!

What else? The kids are back at school so it's back to missing them loads until the Christmas Holidays :(. I hate the fact that Uni has so little holidays but at the same time love the fact that the holidays we have are lengthy so that I can spend a decent amount of quality time with them back home before I go back. I love my kids so so much.

Would have also been baby beans arrival date on Thursday (I know the date due to planned C-section). Its amazing how much your life changes in a few months, I miss babybean and I do think 'what could have been' but I find it's not healthy to dwell on the past. it's the past for a reason so I'm looking forward to my future with my beautiful children and my wonderful man....

I found your hairband on my bedroom floor,
The only evidence that you've been here before
And I don't get waves of missing you anymore,
They're more like tsunami tides in my eyes
Never getting dry, so I get high, smoke away the day then I sleep with the light on
Weeks pass in the blink of an eye,
And I'm still drunk at the end of the night
I don't drink like everybody else, 

I do it to forget things about myself,
stubborn and forward the heads just block
My heads still with you but my hearts just not

So am I close to you anymore, now it's over
And there's no chance that we'll work it out
You and I ended over U N I

One Month In & He's Not Killed Me Yet...

You got a smile so bright
you know you could of been a candle
I'm holding you so tight
you know you could of been a hand gun
The way you swipe me of my feet
you know you could of been a broom
and baby so, so sweeted
you know you could of been some bird food
well you could of been anything
that you wanted to, I can tell you
the way you do the things you do,
the way you do the things you do

Today is mine and the fellas 'month to the day' that we made stuff official. Check me out.... I've not killed him yet and he hasn't killed me... must be love! I don't like to use the massive 'L' word this early but I've known him for that long that I feel he was a friend before he was my boyfriend so I guess feelings have been pushed along by that.... saying that there is a difference between loving him and being in love with him..... I'm not sure where I stand with that one. I always think of him and smile, I always want to be with him, I appreciate him and miss him when he has gone and I also have fun with him. I guess my heart loves him.

I love you
Cuz you mean everything to me and I
I love you
I thank you for just being in my life
I love you
I love the way you can always make me smile
I love you
And wherever I go you're always in my heart 

So this last week-ish has been a busy one. My mum has gone to Florida for ten days and for the 1st time ever not took the children which means more time for me with my kids yay :). My sons in school so he cant come up to me but my daughter has so its been one week of trying to keep a three year old entertained. The most exciting thing in her eyes is going to the Trafford Centre and watching the dolphin fountains while throwing in pennies and making wishes (up to now she's wished that my mum come back and also for my uncles dog). The kids don't know my mum is in 'Mickeyland' as they call Disney World and they think she's gone to the sunshine hospital to get better - technically she has she needs the flippin break. I miss her myself though, I mean I don't live at home and haven't for a while so hardly see my mum but when I see the kids I normally see my mum and it's strange that I'm not! I am glad she's having the break though.... if anyone deserves all the happiness in the world it's my mum. She does everything for everyone. I love her all the world....and back again.

I'm doing proper crap with the blogs but with Uni coming up and all my time being with the kids and my mum before hand I'm so tired and have no time so please forgive me!!!!

Anywayyy thats all for today Iliana has wondered off and I should go find her......

Nevermind I've Found Someone Better Than You.....

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead

What is it with Adele and her music? I remember when she first come out with 'chasing pavements' and I didn't rate her much but I've really grown to like her in the past two years. She was mine and an exs 'artist'. All her music just seemed to relate to everything that we were going through and consequently she brought out certain songs when it was relevant to us. 'Make You Feel My Love' became our song then she brought out 'Someone Like You' when we broke up and as the song says 'I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it. I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over' ironic I just turned up at his house and sorted stuff out with him after 2 months of no contact. So as you see she holds alot in her music to do with my past, now she has brought out 'Turning Tables' and again.... it seems relevant.

Under haunted skies I see you
Where love is lost your ghost is found
I braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no, I will never be knocked down
I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb I can't breathe
So, I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won't rescue you to just desert me
I can't give you the heart you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables

I've heard alot in the past few days about me as a person and what I was like when I was with my ex and truth be told I didn't like what I heard. People I care about said I changed and that they didn't like it. I won't go into detail but bottom line is I was so wrapped up in my own life I failed to be there 100% for others and as people know that's not me. I guess it's hard to see that when you're in the situation because I never realised what I'd become but onwards and upward..... I'm back. 

I don't like writing about my ex, especially as my fella reads my blog, but the more I write about him, the more I realise how lucky I am to have the fella that I now have and how letting my ex go was the best decision for myself in both the short run and the long run also. My new fella has accepted my kids, something my ex didn't, he's accepted that I have a past, something my ex couldn't and he has even met the family.... something my ex wouldn't. He is utterly the best thing that could have ever happened to me.... I doubt that I would have ever thought that I could find someone like him, I didn't know men like him still existed nor that I deserved him. I probably don't deserve him, but I've got him and I'm not letting go. Its took him 18 months but yeah.... I kinda like him....alot.

Me and the fella don't have a 'song' infact I've just spend god knows how long looking about YouTube to see if I could find anything relevant but I'm a strong believer that you don't find yours and your partners 'song' but it finds you. I guess there are a lot of relevant songs for me and him, but none are mainstream and he wouldn't have ever heard them. 

I won't breathe until you just tell me everything is alright,

I am not scared of losing this

I'm afraid of losing you

I'm always telling him I'm scared of losing him, I never wanted him in my life and now he is I'm not sure how to deal with my feelings towards him at times and in my head I freak out but he's a good 'un and tells me 'everything is gonna be alright'.

Other news.... so there's a charity event next week for one of my friends who died, we wasn't as close as I am to some people but none the less, she's my special angel. I can't wait to get back together with everyone. It doesn't seem right now she's gone.... everyone has kinda grew apart and split up and to be honest I miss her lots, he crazy raving yellow ways.

What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

Another turning point;

A fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.
It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.
Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

Familiarity Breeds Contempt......

There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy I, must've been outta my mind
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I saw the real you

I wanted my blogs to focus around my day to day thoughts.... life... my babies, my mum, my haunting past. It was my diary my place to cry out when inside I was crumbling I mean okay it was my happy place too but it was and is my place to cry!! I never wanted my blogs to centre around my 'love-life' but as of late I've noticed thats all they're about and maybe thats because I thought I'd finally found something, someone worth writing about.... someone who made me smile when all I could do was cry inside, someone who was always on my mind therefore always on my blog.

It makes sense that I write about the amazing times because then the bad times might not seem as bad (plus they'd make sense instead of randomly going on about a never before mentioned other half).

Today is - in my eyes - our first 'bad day'. 

I can't be bothered going into the minority of detail and I'm not quite sure where to start but basically I'm meant to see  the Mr today and when he gets to me after a rather breezy quick 'discussion' about nothing in particular he just drives off.... without me. He's in one of his moods again. Now I know he's going through a hard time with things in his life, things nothing to do with me but every time I see him everything else is on his mind and yes I'm there with him but I'm not on his mind, he's (it feels) always preoccupied, stressed, tired, always something. The worst thing is I like him and I want to be with him but I don't get the same vibes from him anymore, he used to make an effort and he's even said it himself that he doesn't feel like he has to anymore (he means it as a joke but to be honest it's as if he means it with the way he is now) and I've said for a while now the only time I feel like he cares is when I'm at his - at bedtime but even the last time I stayed over I felt like I should have been at home because the only time he held me throughout the night was the following morning just before his alarm for work went off. I know he's tired and I know he's sick of work and I also know he can't control what he does in his sleep.... but all effort has gone. Picking me up and taking me to his doesn't show he cares....it's the little things that count.

I've been worried the past week that somethings gotta go wrong because I'm starting to like him quite a bit and inside I feel scared and lost. It's all well and good him saying and texting me saying 'I'm not going anywhere' but I've heard that ten times over and trust me - they've gone!! I can't get hurt.... I really can't. I wonder if he's ready for a relationship... he hasn't had one for a while and he's quite the 'lads lad'. He's mature and stuff.... but really is he after what I am. Everyone who knows me knows that I don't get into anything unless I think its going to be serious and is that him? I don't know.... I don't know anything anymore, as much as I don't wanna lose him I think he just doesn't want this.

You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around

I took your words and I believed
In everything you said to me

I wanted you to be there when i fall,

I wanted you to see me through it all,

I wanted you to be the one i love,

I wanted you,

I wanted you,

I wanted you to hold me in my sleep,
I wanted you to show me what i need,
I wanted you to know just how down deep,

I wanted you,

I wanted you,

You know when you're that scared to be hurt and you think.... it's gonna happen sooner or later I'd rather it happen before I 'love' him, if I ever love him. You don't fall in love with someone who can't love you back.... you fall in love with someone who makes everyday the best, who makes you smile, who takes you in his arms and doesn't give a fuck when he says 'baby I love you' and most of all.... you fall in love with someone who shows you they are worthy of your love and who shows you that they love you back.

I love him but only on my own

I don't know how to love him.
What to do, how to move him.
I've been changed, yes really changed.
In these past few days, when I've seen myself,
I seem like someone else.
I don't know how to take this.
I don't see why he moves me.
He's a man. He's just a man.
And I've had so many men before,
In very many ways,
He's just one more.
Should I bring him down?
Should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love,
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this.
What's it all about?

One day you'll wake up and realise how special she is and she'll be waking up to someone who already knows... 

I don't want somebody else to realise.... I want him to!!!

 

It's Been A Long Time....

I realised that last week and a half doing my blog everyday is impractical. My reasons for blogging everyday was because I had that much going on inside my head at one time I had to get it out, also I felt really lazy and was worried I'd forget how to write by the time I got back to Uni. So my blog-a-day rule has been totally abandoned now seen as I last blogged *thinks* a week and four days ago (when I say thinks I mean *checks phone calendar*) and SO much has happened. I've moved out of dilapidated Irwell much to my disappointment (actually no sarcasm). I really wanted to stay there as I felt like bing there was one of the main reasons for me doing so well in Uni, it was local, convenient and somewhere close enough to Uni where I could roll out of bed after a hard night of Pernod shots in town or a full night in the library getting in that stupid impossible assignment. I miss Irwell, okay it's scummy and I hate it when I'm there but it was my home for a year!!! Unfortunately there's no places left in Uni accommodation so I've had to move miles out to near the airport and I've just gotta wait and hear to see if those lovely 1st years drop out so I can have a house there!! Urgh. For now I'm staying with my Auntie and to be honest I love it. If it was close to Uni I'd stay here all the time. It's like home, real home when I lived with my Mum.... I wish she lived in the same city still!!

What else... I've been staying at the boyfs house, at first I was adamant that I didn't wanna go because I don't want to meet the parentals but with me so far now pickers can't be choosers and all that, it's the only time I get to see him overnight so it's gotta be done. They're nice though his parents so that makes it easier to want to go round and stay. I'm worried things are moving too fast with us now.... it's only been a month and I really like him.... maybe I should take a look at my ten rules from a few blogs before and calm the fuck down....

I ended up in town today at pretty much 7am because the boyf had work and I didn't want to wait at his till 5 so got the bus home. While I was on the bus I couldn't help but think that right now I'd be a month away from delivering my baby

They say everything happens for a reason, and people change like the seasons... they grow apart.

I have to keep thinking this otherwise I'd never get through the day plus I think I'm happier now than I was in February, actually not think, I know I'm happier now.... I finally have something I shouldn't let go of because he doesn't treat me like crap, talk to me like crap, accuse me of crap 24/7 or talk crap about me to his mates. He likes me for me. I actually never sit there thinking 'what if I was still pregnant where would me and him* be now' I just think 'If I was pregnant, I wouldn't be as happy as I am now, I wouldn't have my boyfriend, I wouldn't have this life'. I do occasionally think what would it be like right now but that's never to do with my ex, that's always to do with my child. October 13th - due date, October 7th - delivery date. The last time I'll let myself dwell on missing something I never had.  

They say everything happens for a reason and people change like the seasons.... they grow apart and if I'm honest I'm glad they did, you have to let old things go so new things can happen, let dead things die so new things can grow, let things go to see if they were worth holding onto....and they weren't. David has shown me that,

And I ain't too proud to tell you that I cry sometimes
I cry sometimes about it

I’ve been giving it some thought lately and frankly
I’m feelin’ like we ain't ready and it’s… hold up now
Let me finish
Think about it baby me and you we still kids ourself
How we gon' raise a kid by ourself?
Handle biz by ourself

I'm lucky to have what I have now, everything I ever wanted, let's just hope that familiarity doesn't breed contempt with him, I want to be treated like it was the first time he realised he wanted me, cute texts, status', the caring nature I'll fall for..... he knows this.... so he better do it!!!

Boy when I look in your eyes
I can’t help lose track of time
I know we’re young
But I gotta’ make you mine
And this is so unlike me
To fall so deep easily lets make it me and you
Baby let me make you mine

Call Me....

Urgh so the house hunting continues, I've viewed 2 properties that I like up to now, one yesterday that I loved and one today. I have more viewings for in the week as I set my heart on a house I seen but cannot be viewed until Saturday :(. Joy of student life!! I'm not asking for much my ads pretty much say 'give me a house nowwwwww' but worded so people like me ;). I get more worried as each day passes that I'm not gonna find anywhere and will have to leave uni and move back home because although I have family here I hate putting on people and I need my own space and privacy. 

Anyway the house I viewed yesterday I LOVE and it has grown on me even being away from it and now I want to live there so sooooo bad. This morning after viewing another house I texted yesterdays landlord and asked her to call, I'm still waiting.... what is it with people keeping you waiting? Its the worst thing ever, like I keep thinking 'the rooms gone' 'she doesn't like me' and all these other crazy thoughts when in reality she probably has a life and isn't as attached to her phone as I am to mine.... 

Moving on from the depressing house hunt!!! Vimtooooo!! How amazing is that stuff? I love it, unfortunately I am allergic (makes my throat all swollen up so I canny breathe). I bought it in for the Mr. because I'm a brilliant girlfriend and he likes it but now I want it, so I though before mixing it with normal blackcurrant would make it okay.... just so you know it doesn't!

Other than all that not much exciting is going on in my life. My kids are excited I'm finally getting a proper house that they can come to (they've never been to my student accommodation) and my daughter always says on the phone 'Mummy come your house soon?' and to say 'Yes you can actually' felt good, she was all cool though and just said 'alright well I'm going park now'.

So I'll leave you all in the hope that if I miss tomorrows blog its because I'm moving.....oh to have a double bed again!!!!

In My Daughters Eyes...

You can say what you wanna say
What we have you can't take
From the truth you can't escape
I can tell the real from the fake

When will you get the picture
You're the past I'm the future

I'm totally breaking my own rules. One a minor blogging rule, two a rule I've always gone by. Rule one, left my blog for three days, oh how I've missed you, but I've been so so tired. 

Two! Having a relationship with a parent. Now this is hypocritical because obviously I'm a parent but I've always said I'd never get with someone who has children and I knew there was a reason I shouldn't!! The exes!! Me & the fella have been great, he literally is everything I want - he works hard, he's independent, he drives, he makes me happy and he treats me really well only now his ex is all irate about me affecting his time with his little boy - which I'm not!! Argh! Apparently using your phone to pretty much text while with your child is unacceptable, what planet is this girl on? It's not like I'm on the phone... or even texting that much tbh (everyone knows from my blogs what a lazy texter he is) but he updates his status on a social networking site to something about me and she flips! What.A.Nutter. I'm not one to come in between people, in fact I hate it so it's even worse when you're actually totally innocent and people just blame you because it makes them feel better. I'm possibly out of order for this blog as she is after all my boyfriends childs mother, but tbh I don't care. I've always been nice about the girl even when he hasn't because, 1 - I don't know her to comment and 2 - she's still my fellas ex to whom he has a child so to say anything bad about her whether I know her or not would be unfair. It's as if she doesn't want him in a relationship.... and after years of them being split up I don't really know what to gather of it....but if she stops him seeing his son because of me I'm gone!!! Not a chance is she using me as an excuse to get to him!! I care about him and his son too much to do that - and I haven't even met the little boy!! 

I think I like how your body feels next to me
Aw baby when you kissing me, aw baby when you're loving me
I can't describe what I want to do to you tonight
Aw baby when you come to me, I'll make it so you'll never leave

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him
The world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers
I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life
I've only been pretending
Without me
His world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known

(oh and don't take the love literally, we're not quite there yet....not yet).

On a different note now. How freaking hard is it to find a house? My university housing fell through so I'm left to find somewhere in about 3 weeks. Three freaking weeks! If that's not bad enough I've had to cancel going down to my mums to watch her house while she's away, so that's even longer that I won't see my son!! I hate the fact that I have to find a house so quickly especially as it means losing time with my children. it's not so bad with my daughter as she is coming up to where I live but my son has to stay home with his auntie as he's back at school and I don't let him miss it, not after 6 weeks off anyway!!! So, stressed is not the word. I need a house share or a flatmate to find a house share with and because it's happening last minute and it's obvious alot of student housing has gone now so if I find anything it'll be nothing short of a miracle. 

I feel really stressed this week, I don't even know what's up with me, I just want to cry at anything and everything :/ reckon I need to pull myself together. It's probably just the worries of house hunting etc.... I hope so anyway, I can't be doing with this crappy mood for much longer. I'm counting down the days until I get to see my gorgeous girl again, 18 days cannot come quick enough. I miss my kids so much!!

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about
It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

It's Not Hard To Fall, When You Float Like A Cannonball....

Okay I know, I know, its been two days right? Well after my last emotional blog I felt like a break was needed, I probably wouldn't have remembered to do tonights blog if it wasn't for the boyfriend. Yes that's right boyfriend. So me and the Mr made the step up from... well whatever we were before which, frankly, I don't really know what we were but we've now made it official. He texted me last Saturday and told me to effectively make us official, I replied with 'No', gotta love the banter. So it's my first relationship in a while now and I'm doing well in sticking to my rules from a few blogs ago, not that I remember them off my head, but bottom line.... don't be treated like a mug. He isn't what I expected him to be, to be fair I expected him to be a bit of a knob, but he isn't.... not yet at least :). Now I'm not gonna go into it like 'Oh I think he is the one, he's amazing' blah blah blah shit although yes he is amazing to me and also for me and talking long term doesn't scare him (I don't think so anyway seen as we can laugh and joke about it) but I won't go on and on (or try not to) because there's still time and even though right now I could never see him doing it, he could hurt me. I've been hurt too much to not think it now so it's day by day, step by step. I mean stuff could happen out of his control which means he can't be with me or whatever and I could get hurt that way, but whatever I'm rambling now. Who knows what the future holds. So I'm not gonna give him everything I have until I know and even then it's safer to keep one of your eggs in a separate basket right? I do like him though, I told him today 'on a scale of 1 to 10 based on how much I like you, you're on 5' he didn't take it as a compliment. My theory is, 1 is I like you, you're a mate and 10 is I possibly love you, being in the middle isn't a bad thing, its where all newbies start!! I do have to consider though, I'm at the age now where I'm not getting into a relationship because I'm bored or it's cool to have a boyfriend; I'll only get with someone if I think it'll be a long term thing, if I think that they are serious and aren't just going to piss me about, I consider him to be in that category I suppose (more like I hope) seen as he 'chased' me for an amount of time we cannot agree on (12-18months). Maybe he really will make me happy long term, maybe he won't...only he knows. 

Want to but I can't help it, I love the way you feel
Just got me stuck between my fantasy and what is real

 And I know this much is true
Baby you have become my addiction
I?m so strung out on you I can barely move
But I like it and it's all because of you

It was nothing but a quick thing kids games, 

Kiss chase, just a quick fling
Now i’m hoping you never go missing

The book of love has music in it
In fact that's where music comes from
Some of it is just transcendental
Some of it is just really dumb
But I, I love it when you sing to me
And you, you can sing me anything
The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago
It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we're all too young to know

I'm not doing a long blog today but finally I have to write that after my last blog I've been overwhelmed with the care that some people have shown me, I've received support from people I didn't even know still remembered my mum and me or even cared about anything in my life, I want to thank those people, people like you make me stronger and make me know that I have to carry on smiling but that I have someone to talk to when I can't really smile anymore. Thanks :')

If the sky above you
should turn dark and full of clouds
and that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
and soon I will be knocking upon your door.

Oh, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend?
People can be so cold.
They'll hurt you and desert you.
Well they'll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but don't you let them.

Reflections...

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you’ll never know me
Every day, is as if I play apart
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I can not fool
My heart

How well do you really know someone, and I mean really know them? Okay so you know their favourite colour and where they go of a weekend, you know they have a sister or brother and a cat called Jim but can you look at that person and just read them? I only know one person, aside from my mum, who can read me like a book, possibly better than my mum because she knows more about me than her. My actual best friend. I know this down to one time, and one time only. We were sat in my room in the student accommodation that I live in listening to some music before a night out and she randomly just said 'You really miss him don't you' and this wasn't a question, it was her telling me what I was avoiding. It was a messy situation that I was in but she was right, I didn't have to put up a front for her and if I didn't she would never judge me, just listen to me and advise me and she didn't give shit advice that made me feel better she gave me the cold hard facts in the loving way only she could. She knew me.

The last year has been a right show of fronts for me, I've lost so much and am close to losing so much more. I left my house to be with a boyfriend, albeit a stupid thing I don't for a split second regret it, it got me out of a bad area and brought me into a family home that I'd missed so much. When I left my house I left most of my possessions with the intent of going back and packing up properly then handing my keys into the landlord, only my landlord had a different idea. He thought I'd abandoned the property, changed the locks and threw my stuff away. Thousands of pounds just gone.

Front one. I'm okay about it.

I don't really know where to start with my second 'front'. I only have one parent, by choice. My Dad is less than useless and has never really bothered with me even when he's had the chance, he's too wrapped up in his own life to know or be bothered about what his first born is doing and treats my older sister more like his own than me. In fact thinking about it, all his side of the family do. So I have my Mum and I love her all the world and back again (as my kids would say). Now I know most people love their mums and say that theirs is the best but how many mums would do what mine have done for me? Not many I tell you. Coming home at 16 and telling my mum I was pregnant was the single hardest thing I've ever had to say to her. I felt such a disappointment and let down. I was a good kid, never give shit to anyone like others on the estate, went to school got 11 GCSEs and had just started college. Only now I was pregnant. Fantastic!! Only my mum didn't scream, shout nor did she drag me to any sort of abortion clinic, she said 'Okay' and drove me to college. When I got home she sat me down and asked what I wanted then said 'If you stay in college I'll look after the baby - if and only if that's what you want'. So that was that. I continued with college, had the baby and she looked after it. She did the same when my daughter came along 2 years later and I enrolled at University. I got so much shit off people I thought were friends but I didn't care, I was getting my degree, what were they doing? So as you can see my mum was my rock she literally supported every move I made in life. So the day she sat me down with my best mate beside me and her boyfriend (also a close friend) stood next to me and said 'they've found a tumour' I literally fell apart inside. On the outside I remained calm, the kids were running about and I couldn't let it show that our whole building block, our life was crumbling apart in those few words. I didn't cry until she left with the children, and then it took my iPod to blast out 'Alone Again Naturally' by Gilbert O'Sullivan to come on (nice timing) before I let the tears come and then they just didn't stop. My best friend and her fella were the best people in the world at that moment, even though we knew the prognosis wasn't good they tried to make light of the situation and calm me down.

Me and my mum have always been open about things like death and what she would want at her funeral, ever since I was a young kid. She has MS and although not life threatening it can be debilitating plus she also had something new wrong every week, she was a walking medical dictionary. So she'd always been open about death maybe in the pretence that I wouldn't be scared if ever anything happened to her as there were times she got quite sick and I always remember being in the car one day when a song came on 'I'd want this at my funeral' so I made a mental note at the age of 14 *Alone Again Naturally - Gilbert O'Sullivan - Mums funeral*. it sounds really twisted but it wasn't it was just the way we were. Only now as it played out of my iPod and the prospect was more a truth than a 'planning for the future' thing I just cried. I was going out that night and me being me went out still but spent most of the night in tears looking like a drunken mess - exactly what my mum said not to do. Can't tell you the amount of abuse people got off my friend for trying to come near me. :) Protected. My mum went through hell the next few months, she hasn't told me, but I know it. We found out she has cancer, none curable and Crohns - untreatable. How was my mum gonna cope on top of that she still was looking after my 2 children and also her ill father. Was I putting too much on her? She said no but still, I felt bad. 

The outlook for my mum isn't great, she's more open with me now as I have to prepare to lose my mum and suddenly take on two kids that won't understand where their loving, patient Grandma has gone. As well as that I'd have to move them away from their home, back to Manchester, into new schools and not once will they understand why. From time to time my mum asks me 'you'll cope doing such a thing if anything happens to me won't you' and what can I say she has enough to deal with.... 'course I will mum'.

Front 2 'I'll cope'

Finally I know that my mum doesn't have long and I know that I'll have to get my kids so now I'm worried I'm being selfish getting into a new relationship. Imagine 'hey babe suddenly you have me and my two kids to contend with' I don't think any new man would stick around for long.

But as if to knock me down,
Reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch,
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt,
All about God and His mercy
For if He really does exist
Why did He desert me
In my hour of need?
I truly am indeed,
Alone again, naturally

 It seems to me that
There are more hearts
Broken in the world
That can't be mended
Left unattended
What do we do? What do we do?

And when she passed away
I cried and cried all day
Alone again, naturally
Alone again, naturally

I Need Something To Do...

Its been 4 months since my last University lecture and 3 months since I had to do any sort of studying for an exam and while at that time I couldn't wait for a break I cannot tell you how bored I am. I'd hoped to fill my holidays up with a job, working hard long hours, complaining I was always tired but making money. After applying for 11 jobs and feeling like I was on a roll for just one days worth of searching I thought I must find something. But no!!! Not.One.Job. Annoying! Today I even thought of going to the extreme of messaging the manager at my old workplace and ask if there was anything going there, however when I worked there he wasn't my manager and that may seem a little forward. It's hard for me to get a job because of my situation, I'm always in my city and even though I'm a student I don't move away from here over the summer or Christmas period however this Christmas I'm going to Florida for my mums last holiday because she's ill (very ill) and I don't think any employer would appreciate the situation and would just say 'Sorry I need Christmas staff who are going to be here'. What they don't get is I would work hard and if this holiday was anything other than mine and my mums last holiday together I wouldn't be going. I need a job to keep my mind occupied off my mum, my kids and how much I miss them, in general just to keep it active and focused on something other than Twitter. 

I've seen a lot of things in my life
A lot of ups and downs
Made a lot of mistakes
No matter what, you've always been by my side

You stand by me

And you believe in me

Like nobody ever has

This summer has been a total washout in more ways than one. I always have a brilliant summer with my friends and I'm always left thinking no summer can top the one previous and thankfully I'm always pleasantly surprised, but not this year. This is possibly one of the worst summers I've had. I could count on both hands how many times I've seen my mates and gone out, quite possibly on one hand. Now don't get me wrong I'm not ignorant nor arrogant enough to not know that people get busy, things develop, shit changes but I cannot help but feel a bit down, disappointed and overall.... bored. I also know that my mates aren't there to make my life what it is or fun and exciting. Actually scratch that, they are there for all of them reasons. I guess as time goes on people have other priorities and slowly going out with your friends becomes least of them. Now I don't want anyone to mistake this blog for me having a go at such people because it's far from that, I'm simply commenting on how much things have changed in a year. You know its bad when you used to speak to your best friends every day and now you literally probably talk when you see eachother, once a month at a push. I remember this time last year I racked up a £378 phone bill when I went to Egypt for 3 days and was always on the phone to my mates, I also remember meeting my best mate in the whole wide world off a bus after she'd been away in the UK for just 2 weeks and getting crazy looks off the passengers when we practically jumped on eachother nearly having a crying fit. Those were the days. I just feel like I'm losing my grip with them, I'm not stupid and I know money, work, boyfriends and family all need their time too especially with some of the difficult things my best mate has had to put up with throughout her last year, I wouldn't be ashamed to say she is one of the strongest women I know, her and my mum are my everything and although she's not always there in person I do know she would be if she could, maybe I'm asking too much, maybe I want us to be 'young forever' and for us to always be as close as we were last year. I reckon once my bestest aka 'the wife' is back from her holidays I'm gonna propose (not the ring thing) that we see eachother at least once a week. At least. Even if we are skint, there's museums to walk to, art galleries to have a laugh in and a guaranteed colossal amount of gossip to get through!!! Alison, I love you with all my heart (I'd say Lois and Charlotte too but they wouldn't stick out reading this till now haha) and I'm so fiercely proud of you and everything you have done with your life and I will always always be your number one. I just wanna see you more 

When everything is wrong I'll come talk to you
You make things alright when I'm feeling blue
You are such a blessing and I wont be messing
with the one thing that brings light to all my darkness
You're my best friend and I love you

here is no other one who can take your place
I feel happy inside when I see your face
I hope you believe me
'Cause I speak sincerely
And I mean it when I tell you that I need you

I'm here right beside you
I will never leave you
and I feel the pain you feel when you start crying

I Don't Know Where You Come From....

Dean:

Whenever I'm down
With all that's going on, It's really going on
Just one of those days
You say the right thing, to keep me moving
To keep me going strong, what else can I say

Friends are there through thick and thin
Well I've been told that
And I believe that it's automatic
Call me when you need a friend
Cuz I'm your sister and always for ya

Picking up my blog properly today because I feel so bad about missing 2 days then making such a poor/tired attempt yesterday. The riots throughout the city seem to have died away thanks to the Manchester rain, least it come in use for something. However sat in my little hole of a room in Student Accom I can still hear the distinct wail of police sirens over-running the Salford streets so there are probably still some small time thugs robbing another poundland out there somewhere, their parents must be really proud.

I went out into the city for coffee today and it looked good considering the amount of rioters setting fire to shops and smashing window fronts just 2 days before. Massive kudos to the cleaners!! I went and met up with one of my closest friends from Uni (well whom I consider my closest) and had a catchup. It was long over due and much needed. He's possibly my best male friend, the only guy I have ever been completely honest with about stuff going on in my life, he never ever judges me and always give me his true opinion whether I like it or not, and let me tell you a few times I haven't. In all seriousness though he seems to know me better than I know myself at times, and he always gives me the best advice, which of late I have been taking. One day at a time right? Its amazing how time flies, its been 3 years I've known him now and it doesn't feel like yesterday we were walking out of a lecture theatre and he said to me 'no-way have you got two kids, how old are you' within a few weeks and many missed lectures he knew my life story, if ever anyone was gonna write about my life, he would. He's an amazing writer and accomplished sports writer and the sort of person I like to interact with, intelligent and strong opinionated but at the utmost he is caring and doesn't paint rosy pictures of situations. It is how it is!!! Conversation quickly turned to my current love life, he is totally my diary!!! I give him the outline and he said 'so you have a new boyfriend?' to which I responded 'noooo it's not 'official' or anything' I won't put what his response was, but still he made me laugh with his blunt nature. 

For you Dean:

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does 

There's a club, if you'd like to go
You could meet someone who really loves you
So you go, and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home
And you cry
And you want to die 

_________________________________________

I don't know where you come from,
But you're everywhere I go.
I don't know why you chose me (why me?)
But as long as you're here, I don't need to know

So I'm alone tonight, the Mr has gone home for some decent sleep because people in my house like to play music throughout the night and sleep in the day which is annoying for him when he has to get up for work. Its okay for me I can sleep through anything and even if I don't I can sleep all day. Makes me angry though at how little consideration people have! Plus I'd rather have him here and be cramped up in my single bed in his arms than stretched out without him. How sad am I? I've not told many people about him, or really spoke about him to anyone, but the people I have told seem rather impressed that I haven't bagged myself another dickhead (gold stars for me I think - woo). Like I keep reiterating a day at a time. Don't get me wrong I've been mega tempted to send him a relationship request on a social networking site but I can't judge when that should be done, after a solid week of time spent together? 2 weeks? A month? Fuck knows, I'd tell him to do it but him being him doesn't even have a relationship status, dodgy fucker ;). I guess when he wants it sending he will tell me, that's what I like about him, he tells me a lot and doesn't leave me guessing so much!! The man has brain cells, unlike most I've dealt with in my past. 

Today is a good day, I'm genuinely happy, although I miss my bestest wife, shes abandoned me for 2 weeks for a holiday, how dare she!! She better hurry back I have sooo much goss and need a night out with her!

I Predict A Riot...

Well I've been away for 2 WHOLE days, I know right I've broke my rules. Miss one day only.... and it's been two :(. Okay, so I know its not a massive tragedy but after missing one day I had my best mate write on my social networking wall 'where's your blog today I need my daily read'. Made me smile a bit this, I mean shes obliged to read because shes my best mate but still every reader makes me smile. So thanks to anyone reading.

So in two/three days whats been going on... well unless you've been living under a rock the last few days riots have massively hit England. London, Birmingham, Wolverhampton and my city... Manchester and to make the situation even better on my estate beautiful sunny Salford (find the sarcasm yourselves). It's been manic, I've never seen mess like it, and I kinda hoped the Manchester people would set an example to the scum rioters in other parts of England and make a stand against the violent and disruptive outburst. No-one was rioting for a reason, people were rioting to be chavtastic and get a few free things, from Poundland and bloody Oxfam. A charity. How low. I just hope the riots get boring for the jobless thugs and they get lost. I want my city back.

I planned to do a really long blog but its 10pm and after being woken up at 7am I'm not putting tooooo much effort in. The 7am wake up isn't an everyday thing for me but since Thursday me and the previously mentioned new squeeze have progressed to him staying at mine and me allowing him to wake me at daft hours for work. I must be bloody nuts. I'm doing well with my rules for men, keeping it.... not casual but as light as possible for me. It's funny, I've not thought of my ex once, I've had no need for any thought to go his way. I'm literally so content with my life!!! Content with him! He does make me smile so *sigh*.

Now that I'm on my own I know that in time I'll find somebody new....

When you stop looking, the thing you are looking for will find you

Reckon he has done a good job finding me :)

Off to bed, I'm tired

Fucked Off...

I'm writing todays blog whilst I'm annoyed!!! FUMING! Okay so I live in university accommodation and yeah it sucks at times but 99% of the time I'm happy with it, only today I reckon it's almost worth leaving!!! So I live with ten other people, 4 of which I genuinely like, but, living with that many people and sharing a kitchen/fridge/freezer is just not working for me. Not.One.Bit. It's stupid when you buy your own food and come to eat it and voila its gone!! Now I know I'm ranting about miniscule items but right now I don't rightly give a fuck, I don't get money to provide for other grown adults in this house because they cannot be arsed to go to the shop around the corner, ultimate laziness!!!! It proper irritates me that I have to keep re-buying and I never say anything only this time I have!!!! Fucking right I have! Left a note, lets see how long it is before someone rips it up like last time ARGHHHHHH CUNTS!!!!! I don't get angry at much, the mess I generally clean, the noise I can deal with, the smoking indoors - whatever, but when I have to keep replacing things I've just bought it proper winds me up mainly because no one will dare say its them and no one will buy back the shit they've basically stolen. Twats!! Anyway I could go on all day about this but I won't!!!

Something, maybe the only thing, in my life right now making me smile is the Mr!! Still not an item but whatevs I'm too tired to think about what we could or should be!! He tells me what he wants but y'know, how seriously can I take him? I've been too hurt in the past to just accept that what he says is true, maybe I'm learning my lesson and becoming more weary around the male species. Good call. If I 'fall' for him, now that's a massive IF, then I literally risk undoing all this 'I'm finally happy single' work I've been doing the last year. To be honest I just don't know about anything. Maybe because I'm writing this angry I'm like 'fuck everything' but he isn't just some guy, he - to me - is my guy!! The only thing that makes me smile at the moment. Okay so the situation is confusing and whatever but I promised myself I wouldn't get bogged down in this, that I would accept the points at which he wanted to move forward in anything we have, not me. The ball has always been in his court. I reckon its more difficult for him than it is for me, he hasn't been in a relationship for I think 2 years or something close to that figure so in my head I don't get why he's spending so much time with me, why I'm different, or could potentially be something to him. Why would I....normal everyday girl.... be something to him? My problem is I want everything yesterday and that has gotta stop otherwise I could push him away or worse bloody scare him away!!! I'm gonna try be laid back, plus with him working all the time and the only two days he has off are being spent with his little 'un I think its very unfair of me to be demanding on time, so laid back its gonna have to be. Like it or lump it. I'm sure that he will make the effort, after all he is the only one who knows when he will have a little free time to squeeze me in. Fucks sake, so much for not thinking about things too much eh. Bottom line is I know he likes me (big smiles) but I don't know what he wants from me. Day at a time I guess!!!!

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender

My thoughts they kind of shaky
Every time I get around you, sweet baby
Some times I don't know what I'm trying to say
Just tell me baby
Tell me things are gonna be okay 

And I, I get all choked up inside
And I don't know what to say
Sometimes I just wanna run and hide
But you just stand in my way

If It's Lovin That You Want You Should Make Me Yoir Girl...

Tell me baby what's the deal

Why I'm so into you?

I just can't fake it no more

I can't take it no more
I need you in my life for sure

I can't really explain it I'm so into you now

I wanna be more than a friend to you now

I really like what you've done to me
I can't really explain it
I'm so into you

So alot has happened in the past two days since my last blog. Firstly a tragic incident, a lorry took out three cars on the M54 motorway right in front of the car that I was in, to say we were lucky would be an understatement. After 2 hours, helicopters on the motorway, ambulances, cars being cut open traffic started to move. Thinking of the people involved.

Next major news/development. So I went to a birthday party last night and after a few minutes my housemate and I both decided to go into town. Sod it may as well have a brilliant night. The last few weeks I've been texting a guy and to give him his credit he has pestered me for a year (probably longer) to let him take me out and each time I've declined, if I'm honest I thought he'd give up but he was like a dog with a bloody bone!! Noway was he giving up that easy. Not.A.Chance. He grew on me, as my mate, he was funny, persistant and it made me laugh (in a good way) at how blatant he was 'gonna let me take you out yet?'. God loves a trier and apparently so did I. If you've been keeping up to date with my last few blogs you'd have seen that somebody had been grabbing my attention, and that somebody was him. I don't know what the hell he did or how the hell he did it but I literally couldn't get him off my mind. What the fuck? After a year and however many months why now? What was so special now? He hadn't changed..... maybe I had.

Like I keep repeating, I've been single now for over 6 months, and that's just not me, not in the slightest. Don't get me wrong, I'd had opportunities to 'not be single' but it just didn't interest me, I was happy and I wasn't about to let someone into my life, my head, and certainly not into my heart. Fuck that for a pint of soldiers!! If I let someone in I would get hurt, nothing lasts forever....right? So now I'm sat here like.... why is he in my head 24-effing-7. To be honest I thought that anyone who was currently in my life wouldn't be 'for me' because they've either tried already or we were just good mates so understand, that, because I'd knocked him back that much.... never was he going to be anything to me. Or so I thought.

I cannot remember what I've previously blogged about him, but long story short as they say, we met a year ago in a pub for all of ten minutes. Him and his dickhead mates, rowdy, drunk and not an ounce of etiquette between them. One of his mates tried it on with a family member of mine after this initial meeting and turned out to be a complete douche bag, so this last 18 or so months that this guy has been trying to get me to go out with him (as in not dating) and to get to know him I've tarred him with the same brush as what I have his mate. Douche bag. 18 months down the line, after a few late night chats on a social networking site and a few exchanged texts ( I say few because he's a proper lazy/crap texter and never texts grrr) he's right there rooted into my vital brain cells, obscuring any that are making me think rationally.

Back to the main point of the blog, so I'm out, and me and this guy are texting. Now I've still put off meeting him but arranged to go to a club this coming Saturday and he will be going also, mutual meeting ground, great atmosphere, no awkwardness. That was all I was bothered about in the end, the awkwardness. So me being the amazing cocky texter I am 'I want to see you tonight' reply - 'Okay text me when you're home'. Oh no I go one better, I phone him.... he doesn't answer but texts me right back and we arrange to meet at mine. Ha I'm a bloody nut job!!!! 

We stayed up all night talking, just chatting, cuddling, kissing. He's wanted me to put my faith in him for so long and when I was with him I wondered why I didn't but I don't regret it, I don't regret waiting one bit for the 'right' moment. I'm not sure what we are and I'm not about to bog him down after our first night and be like 'right whats going on' but hes kind, respectful, gorgeous and.... just lovely.... something I'm not entirely used to so I don't really know what the plan for us is. I'm sure he will let me know though.... whenever he wants. All I know is, I want to see him again.... soon!! Very soon, because I don't know how well I'll sleep now I haven't got his arms around me.

I wanna let you know
That you don't have to go
Don't wonder no more
What I think about you
If it's lovin' that you want
You should make me your girl

I'm not like any other girl you know
So let me erase your fears

Freedom.....

I'm free to be whatever I

Whatever I choose 

And I'll sing the blues if I want...

I'm free, that's it now. Not fake free, Free free. I know that sounds daft 'fake free' but as I'd mentioned previously I'd started 'seeing' my ex after the relationship broke down and for some reason I couldn't let him go because of one reason or another but it wasn't working and it was like clinging onto the dead pet you had as a kid! Pointless. Both of us knew it, neither wanted to admit it. So now I have no ties, no-one to call at night when I need a cuddle, not like he ever came anyway..... just when it suited him. So here I'm starting to make changes. I've been properly single for 6 months and I reckon I will be for a few more unless my wonder man comes and saves me but I'm not counting on it, good job I'm happy :). I have rules for myself now, rules for a new guy.... if one comes along. I want him to make the effort, do the chasing because to be frankly honest I'm pretty bored of it.....plus if a guy doesn't chase you he's not worth it....in my head anyway. That's not saying I won't put in any effort, I always do....can't help it!!

My rules

• Don't fall for him, he will only let you down
• If he wants you, he will text you 1st
• Nothing lasts forever so just enjoy it while you can
• If he doesn't respect you....walk
• Don't be his doormat, otherwise he will become complacent
• Never say those three words, they can only be true if he feels the same

 I think these are pretty reasonable and do-able. Its hardly rocket science is it. My main one is don't fall for anyone, I mean if you're meant to then he will feel the same and that way heartbreak is reduced somewhat. Check me philosopher of love, hell yesssss. I guess I'm at the point I'm sick of being messed about, sick of the same old shit day in day out, I want someone to want me and work for me, I think I deserve it after years of being treated like a mug. I don't know who my future Mr will be, but whoever he is he better be prepared to work for me.

Don't assume cuz I'm a woman that I'll fall in love
Don't expect I'm young and need to be took care of
Don't wanna hear you got what I need
Cuz how would you know before we speak?
You've gotta understand my side
I've had a crazy, crazy life
Nobody came along to open up my eyes

Don't expect me just to open up
Maybe I'm just a little scared
Please don't tell me what you think I wanna hear
Oh baby save it, I've heard it all before
There ain't nothin you could say to make me change my ways

Is It Love Or Just A Curse....

Don't say you're falling for me, don't tell me you adore me
Cuz all you're thinking bout is fucking me

You need me I don't need you

_______________________________________

Baby you summertime fine

I’m trying not to stare but, I’m caught up in your eyes.
My defense is somewhat, broken down tonight.
But I fear these feelings....

A few lines stuck in my head over the last day that sum up how I'm feeling.  The first set centered around the current person in my life. The second two, should I even be thinking like that?

After yesterdays post I have thought alot about my current situation with certain people in my life, people that I know I need to let go of but that I'm probably too scared to actually make the move, and I'm not entirely sure why. I'm the girl that's never single, I'm known for it, I always have a boyfriend. Like I've also said in previous blogs why should I be single if I don't have to be, plus I don't really do the whole childlike 'seeing' each other. Bottom line on that one is 'lets use each other for sex and pretend we have a connection when we don't' and I'm either with someone or I'm not...simple. So technically I've now been single 6 months, probably a world record for me, someone phone Guinness Book of Records and get me in that shit, and as I've said I'm pretty content with it, I'm enjoying it and I'm not even playing the field, chance would be a fine thing. I know why I'm so content though, because for the first time in my life I found myself wanting my ex back in my life. Did I miss him? Boredom? I don't know, but every time I let him back in after a while I found myself....bored. Now I feel bad for saying that because we are good together but something from us had disappeared, the whole spark was more like a wet sparkler in a bucket on bonfire night, useless and non existent. If I'm completely honest I reckon I'm holding on because we have been through so much, and I doubt I'll ever find someone who loves me, adores me and cares for me as much as he does. And then there's the miscarriage... maybe I am holding on for the wrong reasons.

Baby you summertime fine

I’m trying not to stare but, I’m caught up in your eyes.
My defense is somewhat, broken down tonight.
But I fear these feelings....

I don't quite know how to start on those lines, I don't know what to make of any sort of thoughts in my head right now. I'm scared of letting my mind wonder into anything other than 'we're just friends'. I'm so strict with my mind, getting annoyed at myself when it wonders to him, which it does....a lot. He's not my current yet he is the one entering my head anytime I hear a cute song, whenever I go onto social networking sites, whenever I check my texts in the morning and whats even worse is I'm a little disappointed if there's not one off him. Sort it fucking out girl!! To me now, he's nothing, just someone I met by chance a year ago, a normal guy who I tended to chat to every so often online. Laughed off his 'let me take you out comments' and never really thought about anything he said, until this week, the one week I had chance to sit and evaluate my life, if I was happy or not and the more I spoke to him.... the more I smiled. Urghhhh. 

See my main fear of letting go of my ex I guess is that he loves my insecurities, no doubt about it. He literally just accepts me. He accepts my stupid fear of the dentist which is so extreme that any time I have an abscess I end up in hospital on an antibiotic drip rather than face the dentist, hence my ugly teeth. I hate them, he loved them. Then there's my eye, anyone who knows me knows I have a glide because my lovely sister pulled it out as a baby. Yeah nice eh!! Again my ex wasn't bothered by that, but my two only insecurities are how people judge you, your smile and your eyes and to be honest none of mine were particularly 'fit'. So how the hell can I meet someone new and expect them to like me. It's all good being on the internet and him telling me how much he does wanna take me out and not to be stupid that I'm gorgeous but as I always say about the internet, people only see the pictures you choose to post, the ones that make you look good.

Am I cutting my nose off to spite my face? I mean there's no harm in meeting him again, and I'm sure if he didn't see me like that we'd still have a laugh as mates, it's just getting to the point where I feel like I've already let him in my head, after a year of putting him off he's in there....and I'm not ready for him to leave I don't want him to leave!!! Fuck I like him just a little!! How did this happen... Then there's so many other questions, we meet, where do we go from there, what does he want or feel? Urgh it's well too early to be thinking like that right? But if he is overcrowding my thoughts.... maybe it isn't too early. Maybe he's the one I need to break the same old patterns, he isn't a knob, he's lovely, too lovely for me? I just don't want to get hurt. Only time will tell.... oh and him, only he can tell me.

When you feel it in your body, you found somebody who

Makes you change your ways like hangin with your crew

Said you act like you're ready but you don't really know

And everything in your past..... you wanna let it go.....

What Am I Holding Onto....

I Should Be Crying But I Just Can't Let It Show

I Should Hoping But I Can't Stop Thinking

And I ain't too proud to tell ya that I cry sometimes
I cry sometimes about it

Todays blog is a bit personal, and yes I realise this is public, but this is also my thinking space. The place where I can sort out my jumbled thoughts and try make sense of them instead of storing them in my head like scrabble letters trying to form some sort of words. Last night I watched the film Juno and just lately I can't seem to watch any sort of film involving a baby without wanting to cry or getting emotional and its not just the dewy eyed 'ahhh how cute' emotion, it's full on 'why'.

So in past blogs I've briefly explained about a guy I'm seeing, who in fact up until January this year I was with in a committed relationship - that was until I got cold feet. In January when I realised I missed him somewhat and we tried working things out we managed to until BAM 'I'm pregnant'. I write this with so much caution, not even sure if I should be spilling something so personal into the throws of the internet, where anyone can read it, any of my friends, family.....anyone. It was Febuary, the 3rd to be precise. It was raining hard outside and cold, so cold. How the hell - no wait - why the hell did I let this happen. I'm just starting to enjoy University, making friends, living in Uni accommodation it just wasn't ideal. Me and my 'boyfriend' wasn't sure how to react and just to make sure it wasn't a duff test we travelled into town to get another. Only this one literally spelt it out to us P.R.E.G.N.A.N.T. Fuck!!! What would we do.

After an awful nights sleep we still had come no closer to making a decision, I didn't believe in abortion unless the circumstances weren't ideal. Nothing was stopping us getting back together properly, nothing was stopping us having this baby, all of our relationship problems had been resolved, so why were we leaning towards - we're not ready. We told a few people, his mum and sister, my mum, and my 2 closest friends.... they know who they are. Still unsure of what to do I booked a doctors appointment with a heavy weight on my mind. It wasn't so much I didn't want the baby, but with two kids already this was wholly irresponsible of me to even consider another, wasn't it? 

My main fear was death, now okay I know that sounds stupid, childlike and a million to one chance of it actually happening during the birth but it had happened once to me with my first born. I'd mysteriously contracted E.coli septicaemia and had an emergency caesarian to deliver him, I'd died during the operation and had been told after that my insides were rotten because of the infection and my body was closing down. Nice!! To top it off 93% of my blood was contaminated and 40% of my newborn sons was also. With my second 'never will that happen again, its still a mystery as to why it occurred in the first place' so why at 35 weeks did I find myself feeling ill, at 37 weeks being taken into hospital with the same 'unexplained thing' and being kept in until I delivered, dosed up on a ludicrous amount of antibiotics and morphine. Most people think young mums have the delusion that its going to be a walk in the park, I didn't take on any of my pregnancies with that attitude, especially not after my trauma with the first. So understand that I had been through hell, and I was terrified of it happening again. 

I plodded on with the pregnancy still in turmoil as to what I was doing. The people I had told were convinced that I was set on keeping it, maybe deep down I knew I would but fate didn't let me have the final decision.... it took that away from me. 

Shaking and crying I sat in the back of the car, being driven to the local hospital, sitting in a&e. It seemed daft to sit here, I'd been to many a&e departments in my life, hernia, abscesses, ill kids, ill parents, visiting, accompanying but never ever for this. My partners Mum spoke to the nurse after an hours wait and got me seen next, I was told to go to another department in the hospital. Pre-natal care. After getting lost (hospitals have a knack for that) I found the department along with my partner and his Mum we sat and waited and waited and waited. Then my name was called. In the dark room I just kept thinking 

I Know You've Got A Little Life In You Yet
I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left

I Should Be Crying But I Just Can't Let It Show

I Should Hoping But I Can't Stop Thinking

Apparently though, there was no strength left and with the words 'I'm sorry there's no heartbeat, the sacks there but the baby has gone' I knew there was no 'little life in you yet'.

To my unborn baby <3 R.I.P. Fate took the decision away, but I do love you.