Too Much Thought.....

I paid all my dues
And she wanted to know
That I’d never leave her
Now I’m ready to go
And strange as it seems
She’s endless to me
She’s just like paperwork
But harder to read

Patience, my enemy
And loving’s my friend
It’s harder to leave
With my heart on my sleeve
Than to stay and just pretend
Oh, she knows me so well
Oh, she knows me like I know myself

Its funny when you're in a relationship and you think too far into the future and then worry about it. I love my boyfriend very much but I always panic that something, somewhere, somehow it will go wrong. I often think that if.... just if he decided to up and leave one day what would I be like? I've let some people go without a fight, even if they were worth one and I've fought to hell for some people who weren't worth a nano second of my time. I don't know what I'd do if he walked away, I guess if he walked and I deserved it then I'd let him go, if he wasn't happy I'd also let him go just so he could find someone who could put that cheeky smile back on his face, but how I'd react..... that's beyond me. See I don't even know why I'm thinking like this.... maybe sometimes we are too good to be true because deep down I only enjoy our relationship when we're together, when we're apart I'm just panicking. He's the most difficult person in the world to read!! Maybe I should just stay quiet and put up with my worry..... maybe I should enjoy him till he fucks off!!

I really miss my friends lately so I've been making an effort to see more of them. I went to meet up with my best mate Chris today seen as I've hardly seen him since he moved to Uni 3 years ago so now he's back I'm making more of an effort to see him. Totally acted like big kids and went to see Lion King 3D, threw popcorn at each other and heckled Scar for killing Mufasa.... how dare he!!! Also get to see my Lois & Ade tomorrow night which I'm really excited for :) and thennnnn a week Saturday it's my house-warming so I get to see Alison!!! So glad I'm seeing my three besties over the next few weeks, they make me smile.

On other notes going home to see the babies soon hopefully. I spoke to my son today and he asked me what he always does when he gets on the phone (which isn't that often) 'You coming my house to see me soon Mum?' 

I love my babies so so so much!!!!

When you was just a young’un you’re looks but so precious
But now your grown up
So fly its like a blessing but you can’t have a man look at you for 5 seconds
Without you being insecure
You never credit yourself so when you got older
It’s seems like you came back 10 times over
Now you’re sitting here in this damn corner
Looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulder

See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love

See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love

New Beginnings.....

Yeah I'm shit at blogging!!! Nothing more to say on that as you all know the rules of this blog. Sooooooooo moving swiftly on...

Its been a busy old month, moving house, kids back at school, me back at Uni!! Yay. So I finally found the perfect house near Uni and have moved in with two lovely girls. There was the slight worry that we'd all met online in order to get accommodation and we wouldn't get on but so far so good and to be honest I can't see us not getting on - ever :) they are totally lovely people, so genuine.... and you don't get that with girls or at least I've rarely come across it so I've definitely struck lucky. So I'm settled in our lovely, big, cosy house :) and I'm loving it.

The kids are back at school now obviously and misbehaving as usual!! I get time off soon so I'll go see them. I miss them loads already and just have to keep telling myself I'm doing this for them to have a decent life!!! It will be worth it. Looking forward to getting back home and getting on my beautiful Winchester piano, gotta learn Konstantine.... I've fallen in love with the song all over again.... don't think I ever stopped loving the song tbh.

Me and the fella have been together a grand total of 2 months today... yeah awwwhhhh!!! Its going amazing, it's like we just go together, even family have commented on how well we get on. He is so good to me I cannot complain and I'm so so happy that his life is back on track in respect of him seeing his baby boy. It means alot to me that he is happy.  If he's happy then I am!!

I'm back at Uni now and even though my timetable is so poor I'm happy to be back in the little time that I am. Its nice to have a structure and purpose in my life plus seeing my friends again is amazingggg seen as I've hardly seen anyone over the holidays. I'm still missing my besties though as I've not seen them for two months :( but hopefully that'll soon change...

Anywayyyy I'm gonna go watch Lion King tomorrow YAY them little kids better move outta the way, I'm first in line.

I can't imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don't understand
All the things you've seen
But I'm slipping in between
You and your big... dreams
It's always you and my big dreams

And you tell me
That it's over
But I can't stand here in a patch of four leaf clover
And your restless
And I'm naked
You've got to get out
You can't stand to see me shaking
No, could you let me go
I didn't think so

And you don't want to be here in the future
So you say
The present's just a pleasant
Interruption to the past
And you don't want to look much closer
'Cause you're afraid to find out all the hope
That you had sent into the sky by now had... crashed
And it did because of me

This is because I can spell confusion with a K
and I like it
It's to dying in another's arms
And why I had to try it
It's to jimmy eat world
And those nights in my car
But this time I'm alone, and I don't see those stars
I'm not your star?
Isn't that what you said
What you thought this song meant
You thought this song meant

And if this is what it takes
Just to lie in my mistakes
And live with what I did to you
And all the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock it's 11:11
And now you want to talk
It's not hard to dream
You'll always be my Konstantine

Its Been A While...

Wow it's been ages since I last blogged and I must say quite a bit has happened. I skipped loads of stuff in my last blog because I was writing purely for the principle that I hadn't written in ages. I'd like to think I'm back into blogging now but I'm so scatty lately that I wouldn't rely on it. So last time I blogged me and my fella were a month into our relationship, it's nice to say we're still going strong. He gets more amazing by the day, don't get me wrong he has his off days but the days where he's really nice to me make up for the moody days and just lately theres so much more niceness than there is moodiness :). He's away on a lads weekend at the moment in Bratislava and its safe to say I'm a little lost without him, I normally see him every day... almost. Times apart give me time to re-evaluate our relationship and also my true feelings for it and where it's heading as well as where I would like it to go, he'll be like what the flip at this... don't worry Mr you're doing well.... so far. As I'm living with my auntie at the moment (long story) I do have the boredom edge slightly taken off which is nice, we spend alot of time spending money we don't have and discussing anything and everything -  including me and the other half. My Auntie reckons that this is the first time I've been with someone decent who hasn't treated me like shit and used me like a door mat in her opinion we are perfectly suited and get on better than I ever have with anyone, In her words we understand eachother, don't give a shit and can be ourselves with one another - this makes me really happy because that's what relationships are about. 

I guess I'm like every other girl in the world though, I have my worries, I worry he will meet someone else, I worry he will get bored, I worry something will ruin us, I obviously worry too much. I often find myself thinking where did his past relationships go wrong and what is it that makes him want one with me and also will me and him just end up going our separate ways after a few months. Ahhh my brain needs to STFU.

Sooooo Uni. I'm back in, had my first week last week and I loved it. It was great to be actively learning again and seeing everyone from last year must admit I've missed it. Moving into a new house on Wednesday too with two girls, not even met them yet although we've spoke in text/on facebook. They both seem lovely so I'm genuinely excited about moving in with them. Hopefully we will go on a few nights out seen as I didn't do anything for freshers!!! Eekkkk toooooo excited about it all, black, white and purple bedroom is gonna be happening too!!! Salford won't know whats hit it!!!

What else? The kids are back at school so it's back to missing them loads until the Christmas Holidays :(. I hate the fact that Uni has so little holidays but at the same time love the fact that the holidays we have are lengthy so that I can spend a decent amount of quality time with them back home before I go back. I love my kids so so much.

Would have also been baby beans arrival date on Thursday (I know the date due to planned C-section). Its amazing how much your life changes in a few months, I miss babybean and I do think 'what could have been' but I find it's not healthy to dwell on the past. it's the past for a reason so I'm looking forward to my future with my beautiful children and my wonderful man....

I found your hairband on my bedroom floor,
The only evidence that you've been here before
And I don't get waves of missing you anymore,
They're more like tsunami tides in my eyes
Never getting dry, so I get high, smoke away the day then I sleep with the light on
Weeks pass in the blink of an eye,
And I'm still drunk at the end of the night
I don't drink like everybody else, 

I do it to forget things about myself,
stubborn and forward the heads just block
My heads still with you but my hearts just not

So am I close to you anymore, now it's over
And there's no chance that we'll work it out
You and I ended over U N I