Familiarity Breeds Contempt......

There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy I, must've been outta my mind
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I saw the real you

I wanted my blogs to focus around my day to day thoughts.... life... my babies, my mum, my haunting past. It was my diary my place to cry out when inside I was crumbling I mean okay it was my happy place too but it was and is my place to cry!! I never wanted my blogs to centre around my 'love-life' but as of late I've noticed thats all they're about and maybe thats because I thought I'd finally found something, someone worth writing about.... someone who made me smile when all I could do was cry inside, someone who was always on my mind therefore always on my blog.

It makes sense that I write about the amazing times because then the bad times might not seem as bad (plus they'd make sense instead of randomly going on about a never before mentioned other half).

Today is - in my eyes - our first 'bad day'. 

I can't be bothered going into the minority of detail and I'm not quite sure where to start but basically I'm meant to see  the Mr today and when he gets to me after a rather breezy quick 'discussion' about nothing in particular he just drives off.... without me. He's in one of his moods again. Now I know he's going through a hard time with things in his life, things nothing to do with me but every time I see him everything else is on his mind and yes I'm there with him but I'm not on his mind, he's (it feels) always preoccupied, stressed, tired, always something. The worst thing is I like him and I want to be with him but I don't get the same vibes from him anymore, he used to make an effort and he's even said it himself that he doesn't feel like he has to anymore (he means it as a joke but to be honest it's as if he means it with the way he is now) and I've said for a while now the only time I feel like he cares is when I'm at his - at bedtime but even the last time I stayed over I felt like I should have been at home because the only time he held me throughout the night was the following morning just before his alarm for work went off. I know he's tired and I know he's sick of work and I also know he can't control what he does in his sleep.... but all effort has gone. Picking me up and taking me to his doesn't show he cares....it's the little things that count.

I've been worried the past week that somethings gotta go wrong because I'm starting to like him quite a bit and inside I feel scared and lost. It's all well and good him saying and texting me saying 'I'm not going anywhere' but I've heard that ten times over and trust me - they've gone!! I can't get hurt.... I really can't. I wonder if he's ready for a relationship... he hasn't had one for a while and he's quite the 'lads lad'. He's mature and stuff.... but really is he after what I am. Everyone who knows me knows that I don't get into anything unless I think its going to be serious and is that him? I don't know.... I don't know anything anymore, as much as I don't wanna lose him I think he just doesn't want this.

You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around

I took your words and I believed
In everything you said to me

I wanted you to be there when i fall,

I wanted you to see me through it all,

I wanted you to be the one i love,

I wanted you,

I wanted you,

I wanted you to hold me in my sleep,
I wanted you to show me what i need,
I wanted you to know just how down deep,

I wanted you,

I wanted you,

You know when you're that scared to be hurt and you think.... it's gonna happen sooner or later I'd rather it happen before I 'love' him, if I ever love him. You don't fall in love with someone who can't love you back.... you fall in love with someone who makes everyday the best, who makes you smile, who takes you in his arms and doesn't give a fuck when he says 'baby I love you' and most of all.... you fall in love with someone who shows you they are worthy of your love and who shows you that they love you back.

I love him but only on my own

I don't know how to love him.
What to do, how to move him.
I've been changed, yes really changed.
In these past few days, when I've seen myself,
I seem like someone else.
I don't know how to take this.
I don't see why he moves me.
He's a man. He's just a man.
And I've had so many men before,
In very many ways,
He's just one more.
Should I bring him down?
Should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love,
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this.
What's it all about?

One day you'll wake up and realise how special she is and she'll be waking up to someone who already knows... 

I don't want somebody else to realise.... I want him to!!!