I hate lying. Any form of it, and being lied to = the worst feeling ever. Saying that I've totally done my fair share of lying and surprisingly not really in my childhood. Can't say its something I'm particularly proud of and as shallow as it sounds I only ever have lied to save someones feelings, okay so 1% of the lie was to save my own ass but the other 99% would inevitably be to save someones feelings. No-one can say it's to save myself fully because in the one instance where I really really didn't want to hurt someone and I lied terribly I still came clean. Let me take you to that time.
Last year I met a guy (alot of my future blogs may center around guys ha) and initially he was just someone from a club I went to and we had mutual friends. After a couple of months we began to talk over a social networking site, cutting out all the boring bits we got together and fell in love. Too quick! I'm probably known for falling in 'love' too quick but as my Twitter account says 'People think I fall in love all the time, in reality I don't' and it's true, I don't. I've hardly ever loved anyone - ever. Apart from the obvious family love I've only ever really loved my daughters dad. So anyone thinking I love all the time think on, there's a difference between being in a relationship and being in love - figure it out! Okay so I've definitely misplaced trust in people and thought they made me happy and that's possibly because they did for a while at one time in my life, doesn't mean I love them and just because I express how happy someone makes me feel doesn't mean I'm in love with them, just means for that small moment in time, I'm happy. So anyway I actually fall in love with this guy, hook-line-sinker the whole dewy eyed works, sighing, texting, missing, love you crap. We have a brilliant start to the relationship, usual 'heated discussions' that any relationship has but we are so in love. Well I am, takes him a while as it does any man but he gets there. I move out of my house, in the middle of Beirut (actually the shameless estate), it does me a favor getting me out of a bad area and gives us more time together. Then I start Uni, then I mess up. Big time. His main worry with me at Uni would be that things will change, I promise they won't, but they do. Trying to make friends I become close to a guy from my lectures, we end up too close and then the lies creep in. I know I'm wrong but I can't help but not want to break my fellas heart. So I move out and leave him, surely its the right thing to do? In my head it is, in my heart I've left the one I love for the one I like. Silly Girl! I'm cutting out all the boring bits but as the month wears on my mind is still with my ex so I call him and every single little lie I ever told him tumbles out, I explain how I miss him and I'm sorry and I know whatever I say won't make a difference but I'm genuinely sorry, he tells me where to go and that it, telling the truth got me nowhere. But I don't regret it. I eventually leave the new guy, its not fair hurting him nor living a lie, he takes it awfully and we haven't spoke since, not quite sure how I feel about that. A month or so later I get speaking to my ex and after turning up at his at 12 at night and a long chat we become friends again. Finally I have him back in my life, I'd missed him so much. We decided after a while to try give us another go, just me and him, no-one else knowing because we know that the world and his shaggy dog would judge us. We had our ups and downs again, but I never lied to him again - ever. Okay so I lied initially to save his feelings but I don't regret telling him everything, or leaving him for that matter.
Guess its a case of you never know what you have till it's gone. Now I have him back, I don't need anything to help me realize how important he is. Lets just hope fate has a decent future for us.
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