Cuz all you're thinking bout is fucking me
You need me I don't need you
_______________________________________
Baby you summertime fine
I’m trying not to stare but, I’m caught up in your eyes.
My defense is somewhat, broken down tonight.
But I fear these feelings....
My defense is somewhat, broken down tonight.
But I fear these feelings....
A few lines stuck in my head over the last day that sum up how I'm feeling. The first set centered around the current person in my life. The second two, should I even be thinking like that?
After yesterdays post I have thought alot about my current situation with certain people in my life, people that I know I need to let go of but that I'm probably too scared to actually make the move, and I'm not entirely sure why. I'm the girl that's never single, I'm known for it, I always have a boyfriend. Like I've also said in previous blogs why should I be single if I don't have to be, plus I don't really do the whole childlike 'seeing' each other. Bottom line on that one is 'lets use each other for sex and pretend we have a connection when we don't' and I'm either with someone or I'm not...simple. So technically I've now been single 6 months, probably a world record for me, someone phone Guinness Book of Records and get me in that shit, and as I've said I'm pretty content with it, I'm enjoying it and I'm not even playing the field, chance would be a fine thing. I know why I'm so content though, because for the first time in my life I found myself wanting my ex back in my life. Did I miss him? Boredom? I don't know, but every time I let him back in after a while I found myself....bored. Now I feel bad for saying that because we are good together but something from us had disappeared, the whole spark was more like a wet sparkler in a bucket on bonfire night, useless and non existent. If I'm completely honest I reckon I'm holding on because we have been through so much, and I doubt I'll ever find someone who loves me, adores me and cares for me as much as he does. And then there's the miscarriage... maybe I am holding on for the wrong reasons.
After yesterdays post I have thought alot about my current situation with certain people in my life, people that I know I need to let go of but that I'm probably too scared to actually make the move, and I'm not entirely sure why. I'm the girl that's never single, I'm known for it, I always have a boyfriend. Like I've also said in previous blogs why should I be single if I don't have to be, plus I don't really do the whole childlike 'seeing' each other. Bottom line on that one is 'lets use each other for sex and pretend we have a connection when we don't' and I'm either with someone or I'm not...simple. So technically I've now been single 6 months, probably a world record for me, someone phone Guinness Book of Records and get me in that shit, and as I've said I'm pretty content with it, I'm enjoying it and I'm not even playing the field, chance would be a fine thing. I know why I'm so content though, because for the first time in my life I found myself wanting my ex back in my life. Did I miss him? Boredom? I don't know, but every time I let him back in after a while I found myself....bored. Now I feel bad for saying that because we are good together but something from us had disappeared, the whole spark was more like a wet sparkler in a bucket on bonfire night, useless and non existent. If I'm completely honest I reckon I'm holding on because we have been through so much, and I doubt I'll ever find someone who loves me, adores me and cares for me as much as he does. And then there's the miscarriage... maybe I am holding on for the wrong reasons.
Baby you summertime fine
My defense is somewhat, broken down tonight.
But I fear these feelings....
I don't quite know how to start on those lines, I don't know what to make of any sort of thoughts in my head right now. I'm scared of letting my mind wonder into anything other than 'we're just friends'. I'm so strict with my mind, getting annoyed at myself when it wonders to him, which it does....a lot. He's not my current yet he is the one entering my head anytime I hear a cute song, whenever I go onto social networking sites, whenever I check my texts in the morning and whats even worse is I'm a little disappointed if there's not one off him. Sort it fucking out girl!! To me now, he's nothing, just someone I met by chance a year ago, a normal guy who I tended to chat to every so often online. Laughed off his 'let me take you out comments' and never really thought about anything he said, until this week, the one week I had chance to sit and evaluate my life, if I was happy or not and the more I spoke to him.... the more I smiled. Urghhhh.
See my main fear of letting go of my ex I guess is that he loves my insecurities, no doubt about it. He literally just accepts me. He accepts my stupid fear of the dentist which is so extreme that any time I have an abscess I end up in hospital on an antibiotic drip rather than face the dentist, hence my ugly teeth. I hate them, he loved them. Then there's my eye, anyone who knows me knows I have a glide because my lovely sister pulled it out as a baby. Yeah nice eh!! Again my ex wasn't bothered by that, but my two only insecurities are how people judge you, your smile and your eyes and to be honest none of mine were particularly 'fit'. So how the hell can I meet someone new and expect them to like me. It's all good being on the internet and him telling me how much he does wanna take me out and not to be stupid that I'm gorgeous but as I always say about the internet, people only see the pictures you choose to post, the ones that make you look good.
Am I cutting my nose off to spite my face? I mean there's no harm in meeting him again, and I'm sure if he didn't see me like that we'd still have a laugh as mates, it's just getting to the point where I feel like I've already let him in my head, after a year of putting him off he's in there....and I'm not ready for him to leave I don't want him to leave!!! Fuck I like him just a little!! How did this happen... Then there's so many other questions, we meet, where do we go from there, what does he want or feel? Urgh it's well too early to be thinking like that right? But if he is overcrowding my thoughts.... maybe it isn't too early. Maybe he's the one I need to break the same old patterns, he isn't a knob, he's lovely, too lovely for me? I just don't want to get hurt. Only time will tell.... oh and him, only he can tell me.
Am I cutting my nose off to spite my face? I mean there's no harm in meeting him again, and I'm sure if he didn't see me like that we'd still have a laugh as mates, it's just getting to the point where I feel like I've already let him in my head, after a year of putting him off he's in there....and I'm not ready for him to leave I don't want him to leave!!! Fuck I like him just a little!! How did this happen... Then there's so many other questions, we meet, where do we go from there, what does he want or feel? Urgh it's well too early to be thinking like that right? But if he is overcrowding my thoughts.... maybe it isn't too early. Maybe he's the one I need to break the same old patterns, he isn't a knob, he's lovely, too lovely for me? I just don't want to get hurt. Only time will tell.... oh and him, only he can tell me.
When you feel it in your body, you found somebody who
Makes you change your ways like hangin with your crew
Said you act like you're ready but you don't really know
And everything in your past..... you wanna let it go.....
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