What Am I Holding Onto....

I Should Be Crying But I Just Can't Let It Show

I Should Hoping But I Can't Stop Thinking

And I ain't too proud to tell ya that I cry sometimes
I cry sometimes about it

Todays blog is a bit personal, and yes I realise this is public, but this is also my thinking space. The place where I can sort out my jumbled thoughts and try make sense of them instead of storing them in my head like scrabble letters trying to form some sort of words. Last night I watched the film Juno and just lately I can't seem to watch any sort of film involving a baby without wanting to cry or getting emotional and its not just the dewy eyed 'ahhh how cute' emotion, it's full on 'why'.

So in past blogs I've briefly explained about a guy I'm seeing, who in fact up until January this year I was with in a committed relationship - that was until I got cold feet. In January when I realised I missed him somewhat and we tried working things out we managed to until BAM 'I'm pregnant'. I write this with so much caution, not even sure if I should be spilling something so personal into the throws of the internet, where anyone can read it, any of my friends, family.....anyone. It was Febuary, the 3rd to be precise. It was raining hard outside and cold, so cold. How the hell - no wait - why the hell did I let this happen. I'm just starting to enjoy University, making friends, living in Uni accommodation it just wasn't ideal. Me and my 'boyfriend' wasn't sure how to react and just to make sure it wasn't a duff test we travelled into town to get another. Only this one literally spelt it out to us P.R.E.G.N.A.N.T. Fuck!!! What would we do.

After an awful nights sleep we still had come no closer to making a decision, I didn't believe in abortion unless the circumstances weren't ideal. Nothing was stopping us getting back together properly, nothing was stopping us having this baby, all of our relationship problems had been resolved, so why were we leaning towards - we're not ready. We told a few people, his mum and sister, my mum, and my 2 closest friends.... they know who they are. Still unsure of what to do I booked a doctors appointment with a heavy weight on my mind. It wasn't so much I didn't want the baby, but with two kids already this was wholly irresponsible of me to even consider another, wasn't it? 

My main fear was death, now okay I know that sounds stupid, childlike and a million to one chance of it actually happening during the birth but it had happened once to me with my first born. I'd mysteriously contracted E.coli septicaemia and had an emergency caesarian to deliver him, I'd died during the operation and had been told after that my insides were rotten because of the infection and my body was closing down. Nice!! To top it off 93% of my blood was contaminated and 40% of my newborn sons was also. With my second 'never will that happen again, its still a mystery as to why it occurred in the first place' so why at 35 weeks did I find myself feeling ill, at 37 weeks being taken into hospital with the same 'unexplained thing' and being kept in until I delivered, dosed up on a ludicrous amount of antibiotics and morphine. Most people think young mums have the delusion that its going to be a walk in the park, I didn't take on any of my pregnancies with that attitude, especially not after my trauma with the first. So understand that I had been through hell, and I was terrified of it happening again. 

I plodded on with the pregnancy still in turmoil as to what I was doing. The people I had told were convinced that I was set on keeping it, maybe deep down I knew I would but fate didn't let me have the final decision.... it took that away from me. 

Shaking and crying I sat in the back of the car, being driven to the local hospital, sitting in a&e. It seemed daft to sit here, I'd been to many a&e departments in my life, hernia, abscesses, ill kids, ill parents, visiting, accompanying but never ever for this. My partners Mum spoke to the nurse after an hours wait and got me seen next, I was told to go to another department in the hospital. Pre-natal care. After getting lost (hospitals have a knack for that) I found the department along with my partner and his Mum we sat and waited and waited and waited. Then my name was called. In the dark room I just kept thinking 

I Know You've Got A Little Life In You Yet
I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left

I Should Be Crying But I Just Can't Let It Show

I Should Hoping But I Can't Stop Thinking

Apparently though, there was no strength left and with the words 'I'm sorry there's no heartbeat, the sacks there but the baby has gone' I knew there was no 'little life in you yet'.

To my unborn baby <3 R.I.P. Fate took the decision away, but I do love you.