Reflections...

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you’ll never know me
Every day, is as if I play apart
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I can not fool
My heart

How well do you really know someone, and I mean really know them? Okay so you know their favourite colour and where they go of a weekend, you know they have a sister or brother and a cat called Jim but can you look at that person and just read them? I only know one person, aside from my mum, who can read me like a book, possibly better than my mum because she knows more about me than her. My actual best friend. I know this down to one time, and one time only. We were sat in my room in the student accommodation that I live in listening to some music before a night out and she randomly just said 'You really miss him don't you' and this wasn't a question, it was her telling me what I was avoiding. It was a messy situation that I was in but she was right, I didn't have to put up a front for her and if I didn't she would never judge me, just listen to me and advise me and she didn't give shit advice that made me feel better she gave me the cold hard facts in the loving way only she could. She knew me.

The last year has been a right show of fronts for me, I've lost so much and am close to losing so much more. I left my house to be with a boyfriend, albeit a stupid thing I don't for a split second regret it, it got me out of a bad area and brought me into a family home that I'd missed so much. When I left my house I left most of my possessions with the intent of going back and packing up properly then handing my keys into the landlord, only my landlord had a different idea. He thought I'd abandoned the property, changed the locks and threw my stuff away. Thousands of pounds just gone.

Front one. I'm okay about it.

I don't really know where to start with my second 'front'. I only have one parent, by choice. My Dad is less than useless and has never really bothered with me even when he's had the chance, he's too wrapped up in his own life to know or be bothered about what his first born is doing and treats my older sister more like his own than me. In fact thinking about it, all his side of the family do. So I have my Mum and I love her all the world and back again (as my kids would say). Now I know most people love their mums and say that theirs is the best but how many mums would do what mine have done for me? Not many I tell you. Coming home at 16 and telling my mum I was pregnant was the single hardest thing I've ever had to say to her. I felt such a disappointment and let down. I was a good kid, never give shit to anyone like others on the estate, went to school got 11 GCSEs and had just started college. Only now I was pregnant. Fantastic!! Only my mum didn't scream, shout nor did she drag me to any sort of abortion clinic, she said 'Okay' and drove me to college. When I got home she sat me down and asked what I wanted then said 'If you stay in college I'll look after the baby - if and only if that's what you want'. So that was that. I continued with college, had the baby and she looked after it. She did the same when my daughter came along 2 years later and I enrolled at University. I got so much shit off people I thought were friends but I didn't care, I was getting my degree, what were they doing? So as you can see my mum was my rock she literally supported every move I made in life. So the day she sat me down with my best mate beside me and her boyfriend (also a close friend) stood next to me and said 'they've found a tumour' I literally fell apart inside. On the outside I remained calm, the kids were running about and I couldn't let it show that our whole building block, our life was crumbling apart in those few words. I didn't cry until she left with the children, and then it took my iPod to blast out 'Alone Again Naturally' by Gilbert O'Sullivan to come on (nice timing) before I let the tears come and then they just didn't stop. My best friend and her fella were the best people in the world at that moment, even though we knew the prognosis wasn't good they tried to make light of the situation and calm me down.

Me and my mum have always been open about things like death and what she would want at her funeral, ever since I was a young kid. She has MS and although not life threatening it can be debilitating plus she also had something new wrong every week, she was a walking medical dictionary. So she'd always been open about death maybe in the pretence that I wouldn't be scared if ever anything happened to her as there were times she got quite sick and I always remember being in the car one day when a song came on 'I'd want this at my funeral' so I made a mental note at the age of 14 *Alone Again Naturally - Gilbert O'Sullivan - Mums funeral*. it sounds really twisted but it wasn't it was just the way we were. Only now as it played out of my iPod and the prospect was more a truth than a 'planning for the future' thing I just cried. I was going out that night and me being me went out still but spent most of the night in tears looking like a drunken mess - exactly what my mum said not to do. Can't tell you the amount of abuse people got off my friend for trying to come near me. :) Protected. My mum went through hell the next few months, she hasn't told me, but I know it. We found out she has cancer, none curable and Crohns - untreatable. How was my mum gonna cope on top of that she still was looking after my 2 children and also her ill father. Was I putting too much on her? She said no but still, I felt bad. 

The outlook for my mum isn't great, she's more open with me now as I have to prepare to lose my mum and suddenly take on two kids that won't understand where their loving, patient Grandma has gone. As well as that I'd have to move them away from their home, back to Manchester, into new schools and not once will they understand why. From time to time my mum asks me 'you'll cope doing such a thing if anything happens to me won't you' and what can I say she has enough to deal with.... 'course I will mum'.

Front 2 'I'll cope'

Finally I know that my mum doesn't have long and I know that I'll have to get my kids so now I'm worried I'm being selfish getting into a new relationship. Imagine 'hey babe suddenly you have me and my two kids to contend with' I don't think any new man would stick around for long.

But as if to knock me down,
Reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch,
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt,
All about God and His mercy
For if He really does exist
Why did He desert me
In my hour of need?
I truly am indeed,
Alone again, naturally

 It seems to me that
There are more hearts
Broken in the world
That can't be mended
Left unattended
What do we do? What do we do?

And when she passed away
I cried and cried all day
Alone again, naturally
Alone again, naturally